Editorial

Written by capnasty

I'm starting to wonder if the Christians are determined to pollute and shatter everyone's testicles (especially mine) in every possible way. The latest attack to my persona this time did not come via little Christian comic books scattered on the subway or some prostitute of Jesus stopping me and inviting me to their Church. No, this time, it came via e-mail.

Most jurisdictions are under increasing pressure to make Spam illegal. Many already have. I have no idea if these people are in a state where Spam is or isn't legal, but where in the Bible does it tell you to ignore both the letter of the law and the spirit?

The moment I saw the e-mail in my box, I knew it was Spam. And I was troubled by that, because here on Scriba, we have some pretty hefty anti-Spam measures. Having my address splattered across the Internet, I can safely say that I have an average of 1 or 2 Spams a month at most.

Now, when we do get Spammed here at Scriba, we know where to look and who to bother to get something done about it. But this Spam had no phone number, no contact, and the address was valid (albeit from one of those WebMail places) and did not bounce.

I couldn't help it but think to myself "Holy shit! It did not bounce!"But they won't reply. Especially now that I got their account closed after I Spammed every single possible e-mail account I could find for them, their parent sites, their providers, their hosts, their administrators. About 55 people got to enjoy my complaint... I swear, Christians bring out the worse in me.

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William Mark (aka Psycho Bill) responds:

CoN: Build a man a fire, you keep him warm for the night.Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.Sam C.

Set ten men on fire, make the news. Do it one by one on live TV from a truck, make history. Paint a Nike swoosh on the roof of that truck, make money.

Jay Lohner sends us "More of my rantings....."

Leo, 'tis I, the "couldn't last 4 seconds, much less 4 hours" bullocks spanker. I know I'm writing about some things that happened a few issues back, but I've been having a hard time getting my CoNs read. I do have some good news though, this would be a great time to plug your online archive, and I've figured out that if I print out my CoN, I can read it at work and get paid at the same time. Imagine that, getting paid to read CoN!

Leandro, I would like to submit a formal apology to Luke DeSade. I was a little out of line back in CoN #4 and showed extremely bad taste in my comment that "he should shoot himself". Recently one of my friends did pick up a gun and shoot himself.

Suicide is not a solution.

To show the sincerity of my remorse I have written my apology in Luke DeSade style.... Luke, for me I am apologizing alot. Please, if you may be forgiving me, do not kill youself.

With that said, I have come up with a new "5 ways for Luke DeSade to spend that 10 bucks that he fucked his buddy out of, instead of fucking a 'HO' with, like he should have".

1 A Bestiality video - They say a dog's mouth has fewer germs than a human's.
2 The Accu-Jac - available at any fine porno retailer.
3 A nice card with an apology to that gal he fucked over stating "it's nothing personal, I just hate girl-juice..".
4 A large plastic bubble environment with a hole in the side of it just big enough to stick his condom-wrapped prick through.
5 A date with Angie so she can stop fantasizing, and find out first-hand what it's like to fuck someone that couldn't give a shit about her, and so she'll realize that if she wants to have cold, impersonal sex, all she needs is a dildo. At least it won't bum money off of her for a taxi ride home, and then bitch about it 'cause she only has a quarter.

Is it just me, or who in the hell sticks a used condom covered with gross girly-juice in their pocket?

Next on the agenda, a little article titled "Learn to save money fast by buying our 150$ book!!" by Samantha Stasiuk seemed awfully familiar to me. Especially the parts about "oily anal discharges" and "rectal bleeding". In fact, the more I thought about it, the more it sounded like a stand-up bit that I saw Janeane Garofalo do on Comedy Central a few months ago. This set me to thinking...

1% probability. Samantha stole Janeane's material. She may have embellished it, expounded upon it, etc., but it's original concept was first put forth by Janeane, in which case Samantha would simply be guilty of plagiarism. I would never entertain such a thought, until I read her plea for people to send her A and B graded essays.

10% probability. Samantha is a comedy writer for Janeane and is doing a little moonlighting in CoN. No problems here, except that she might want to try to publish her work somewhere that will pay her.

30% probability. Janeane stole her standup material from Samantha, in which case Samantha could sue Janeane and get a ton of money. Only problem here is Janeane probably isn't making that much money off of it because it wasn't that funny.

90% probability. Janeane and Samantha are identical twins that were separated at birth via a UFO abduction, they are linked psychically, and they both came up with the same idea at the same time. In this case, we are back to rolling in the money, because we will have conclusive proof of alien abductions, and psychic links between identical twins. The Enquirer alone would probably pay her a million bucks, and Sam could quit school and become a media celebrity on par with Monica Lewinsky. And she probably wouldn't have to 'smoke' the 'cigar'. (wink wink, nudge nudge).

If in fact, the truth is that she stole the material from Janeane, I would like to suggest to her that she go to blindwino.com and steal from them.

Hell, the CoN staff does it every month.

Metadata:

  • ID: 406
  • Type: 2
  • Title: Editorial
  • Subtitle:
  • Author: capnasty
  • Author ID: 0
  • Date Posted: 2000-07-24 01:00:00