The Artistes vs. The Nice Guys

Written by Samantha Craggs

As the baby boomers die off and the population heads on a downward spiral, some women are going to end up alone with 20 cats simply because they can't distinguish between two very different types of men - the artistes and the nice guys.

It's been going on since the beginning of time. I'm sure a lot of perfectly good boys next door were spurned by ancient women who couldn't get enough of that oh-so-deep-and-creative guy Socrates. In the 60s, I wonder how many kind and clean cut souls with shiny shoes were turned down in favour of the guy passing through town who had a Beatles haircut.

Women constantly bemoan the fact that "there are just no nice guys left out there." They're wrong. There are lots of perfect gentlemen, but they inevitably lose the girl to the Johnny Depp lookalike in paint-splattered clothes who hates to wear shoes. We don't really want Beaver Cleaver. We want the one with the killer cheekbones, granite jawline and bedroom eyes who has slept with every other woman on the block.

It's no secret that being creative scores points with women. Just ask any guy in a band. There will always be the element who become groupies around art gallerys, willing to cheat on their husbands and offer their bodies to any guy with a paintbrush in his hand. The artistes are generally good looking, pretentious and carry that subtle arrogance that the world would whither away if they weren't around to comment on it. I think it's their untamed nature that draws women to them. "Okay, so he's fucked half of my friends and told me straight out that he doesn't want a relationship, but I can change him," they think about a week before they are sitting in a pile of wadded-up Kleenex and begging advice from their friends on the phone.

I make a plea to women everywhere, from Southeast Asia to the depths of Armpit, Ontario - stop the madness! Most women can think of a guy like this and most women want that guy. You will be better off, and so will your friends and family, if you kick him to the curb before he even sets foot on the sidewalk. The guy you've known since third grade wearing khakis and unripped clothing is always a better bet.

Artistes make your life exciting. You can bask in the glory of their work. Simply walking into a room with them will make you beam with pride and make other women green with envy. They are usually excellent in bed because they are unconventional and they have razor sharp cheekbones and untamed hair.But men like this are usually self centred and not capable of giving you what you really need, which is stability, unconditional love and a little self worth. If you do end up with an artiste, it's never what you bargained for. You will end up with an unemployed musician who sits on your couch all day watching TV. Trust me. I know this.

There are easy ways to spot artistes before they get deep enough into conversation to find out what you do for a living.

1. Any guy whose opening line is "I'd love to paint/photograph/write a poem about you."

2. Any guy that you meet at a party who is scanning the room while he's talking to you, claiming that he's "taking it all in." He's really looking for fresh meat.

3. Any guy who does not own a watch. This shows that he runs on his own time, and it's not likely that you're included in that. (There are exceptions to this rule. I don't own a watch that isn't broken.)

4. Any guy with rips in his clothes that are also accompanied by a ring on every finger.

5. Almost all musicians. I know there are going to be musicians e-mailing me now and telling me how wrong I am, and that they're reliable, good boyfriends who have never groped another woman while their girlfriend was off getting more beer. But musicians, on the whole, put their bands above all else, and if little groupies who make sparkly eyes at you in the front row of the birthday party you're playing at, who can blame you for that? Also, musicians almost always have what I like to call "musician arrogance." They compete with each other, and by their very nature, they seem to need constant reassurance that they're good at what they do. The less successful a musician is, the more this is true. A woman flirting with you = reassurance = you enjoying the woman flirting with you = unhappy and slightly pissed off girlfriend.

6. Any guy who talks about astrology in the first five minutes, or who tells you he's more interested in getting to know your soul.

7. Any guy who, when you ask him what he does, says "I'm a writer" when he actually works at Starbuck's and hasn't published a thing. [Uh oh! - Editor]

I suppose I should say by now that this is meant to be tongue in cheek, but like anything tongue in cheek, there's merit to it.Women (or men, whichever floats your boat), this is some food forthought - not fantasy, but thought.