Written by Samantha

So, I'm basically an insomniac. Up all night. Am nowofficially hooked on infomercials. I admit it. I'vewatched the entire "Food saver" bit, and even own afew "Tae Bo" tapes just cause I thought theinfomercial was cool. So yes, I lead a sad andpathetic nightly existence.

However, I am recentlycoming to the realization that I can't be all thatsad. Yes, there ARE individuals more pathetic than I. They are those that fall for all the recent diet andhealth fads. For example, I saw an ad for a pillcalled (well, I'll call it) "Cheat Your fat ass outtayour money" the other night. A weight loss pill.

Apparently you'll lose weight fast by ordering thepill. Out of curiosity, I checked the box of thoseso-called "miracle" pills. It's funny when you takethe time to check out the fine print... "weight lossnot guaranteed. Must be used with intense diet andexercise program. So basically, the pill does nothingfor me. No thank you.

Now lets move on. Anotherpill, can't remember the name of it, let's call it the"Will Make you thin but also fucking repulsive"drug. Yes, you will lose weight, and not on a special dietor anything. But there are a few slight side effects. For example, the uncontrollable bowel movements. Orhow about the oily liquid that is constantly comingfrom your ass? Yeah, I'm ordering me a wholetruckload of that crap.

Then there's the new cure foracne. Yes! A cure for that pressing pubescentproblem! You can get rid of those pesky pimpleproblems with this daily cream. However, you mayencounter the small side effect of RECTALBLEEDING!!!!!! I'm sorry, but even a zit on mywedding day does not seem to justify bleeding out ofmy ass. Sure, sure these are only POSSIBLE sideeffects, but I can't help coming to the realizationthat these things MUST have happened to some poor soulout there. Yep, somewhere there's a thin guy withgreat skin who's constantly shitting up blood and oil.

Man, the things we do to ourselves in order to lookgood. Is it worth it? I think not, but there may beothers who disagree. Yes, those are the one's whopurchased the new drug that combats hair loss. Theside effects: complete and utter stupidity.