Written by capnasty

At one time, while a friend of mine desperately wanted to celebratehis birthday at a strip joint (and he picked the worse one -- er..not that I would know, I was told it was), a girl we went schoolwith years ago, showed up and started stripping. She did notnotice us, and our jaws touching the floor.

Mind you, she had grown and she looked pretty good. Especiallywhen compared to the rest of the exotic dancers that dangledtheir meat in front of us. In a way, that's what it felt like. It wasthe most unerotic place to be.

I guess it's better than going to Chucky Cheese, but in the end, we all agreed that the girl that sold us the tickets at theentrace was more attractive, dressed, than the ones performing,undressed.

Thing is, I like naked girls. Don't we all? But I like itbetter when it's just you and me, baby, there aren't 30freakin' rednecks screaming "TAKE IT ALL OFF!!" and "YEAH BABY YEAH!" as if screaming it all the time made themdo it faster. Honestly, wtf.

The one strange thing about these places is that there's always porn playing, just in case. That night it was some fifty-year-old handling some twenty guys. Since she could only ''service'' four at a time, the remainder would cheer. It was pretty weird.

IGNORE the HYPE pollutes our minds:

Hey Leo,

Enjoyed the issue. Loved Jason's anti-religion lines. Reminds me of oneI've used in the past. When I shared a house with a friend years ago wealways had religious types pounding on our door - always earlySaturday mornings it seemed. So one particular Saturday morning when theypounded on the door (we had been up all night abusing various substancesand were in basically fucked-up conditions) I answered it and had aconversation something like:

God-ites: "Good morning, we're from the Jehova's Witness and..." Me: (interrupting them) "I'm a witness. Jehova did it." sound of heavy front door slamming in their face.

My friend was laughing hysterically and the God-ites left and neverreturned to our house again. I miss them. Now I only have a fundaMENTAListIslamic sister-in-law to bait. But even she won't talk to me 'cause I'mthe anti-christ she says. I like that.


Luke de Sade, despite his not liking girls, writes back to Ange'spraises:

Angie writes:

"i was thrilled to read about "Luke De Sade"'s endurance...2 hoursand still didn't come....but too bad he's grossed out so easily byour girl-juice....he sounded like fun for a bit(yeah i know he's too young for me, i'll relax now)"

Yeah, baby! I'm the man! I'm the whole F'N man! You know, Angie, Stamina's my middle name. Now I'll leave you alone with your Luke de Sade fantasies.

Just so you all know, I'm working on the grossing out part. Not having much luck, but getting there.

"Imperious, choleric, irascible, extreme in everything, with a dissolute imagination the like of which has never been seen, atheistic to the point of fanaticism, there you have me in a nutshell, and kill me again or take me as I am, for I shall not change."

--Donatien-Alphonse-Francois de Sade

And lastly, Jay Lohner, spanks my bullocks in a frenzy of dikplay:

Heya Leandro. Been a long time since I've heard from you or sent anything to you, but I figured, what with you all having enough time and energy to change the format of CoN in the future, then all of your whining about your hectic schedule and lifestyle was nothing but B.S. You had me going for awhile though, and in my case it worked (I'm so gullible).

OK, so you guys are unhappy because your readers are content to sit back and let you run the show without bitching and complaining? God, what whiners you are! Or, was this a feeble attempt at fishing for praise of the hard work and effort you so obviously put into your product? Seriously, the last couple of issues where much better than they had been for awhile, and I'm glad someone decided to climb back up on that horse. I am concerned, however, about a couple of things. Are you having problems getting submissions? Not just feedback? You seemed to borrow pretty heavily from that blindwino guy, which is ok, because his stuff is good. Either way, you asked for it.

I'm sorry, but what the fuck was up with that de Sade guy? I don't usually attack people, and in general think that I'm a pretty easy going guy. I root for the underdog, have empathy for the less fortunate, and pretty much believe you reap what you sow......but how could you guys print what this guy had to say? Perhaps I'm showing a bit of my anal retentiveness, but this guy is a moron. I got D's in High school English, and that was over 20 years ago, but I still understand the basics.


"I'm one of those people that can either have sex or don't have sex."

"We were there up until 4 a.m. in the morning."

"So off we went, drunk as hell, and (my two friends who were with me) horny as dogs."

"I tell you all these because what I'm about to tell you guys will freak some people out."

Those is some of the least most worst ones. I don't know, maybe I just don't understand exactly what your policies are in regards to the things that people submit to you, but this guy came off as a sick little Narcissistic jerk moron, that can't possibly have anything interesting to say. Let alone print. But maybe that was your point.

Perhaps I can help Mr. de Sade figure out what he can spend that 10 bucks on.

1.Psychiatric treatment. His obvious fear of bodily fluids is a dead giveaway that he is heading toward a bad case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.2.Analysis. Love is good. Love of one's self is good. This guy loves himself WAY too much.3.A spellchecker 4.Remedial English courses 5.A personality 6.A gun. So he can shoot himself and spare us from any more of his drivel.7.A gun See # 68.A gun Did I mention that I think he should kill himself?9.Suzy the love doll. No more vaginal fluids! Just his own gross, disgusting, sick, smelly, slimy, semen.10.Some hand lotion. See # 9

As for Angie, the woman that wrote about how impressed she was by his staying power, tell her to drop me a line ANYTIME she's interested in fucking someone who only does it because their friends goaded them into it, thinks she's ugly, is conceited, doesn't have a dime, and is bored by the whole thing. Hell, I'll bet you if I properly applied all of the above conditions I could fuck her for 4 hours without coming. And I'm older than he is. And I like pussy juice. But she has to have a good body.

[Editorial note: Ange does have a good body, and she doubts Jay wouldlast four hours, much less four minutes]