Hey Kids! Smoking is Good For You!

Written by Jester

Philip Morris, one of the big tobacco companies down in the US, has just recently admitted that smoking causes cancer and other diseases.

You ah, probably already knew that. So did Philip Morris I'm sure, but they and other tobacco companies have been publicly fighting the obvious conclusion for so long it's tempting to applaud their efforts. After all, if beauty is truth and truth is beauty, then -- damn it -- we should be living in a world where things that feel decadent don't harm you, or are even healthy. If there was a brand of chocolate that tasted great and caused you to lose weight at the same time, the company that made it would make so much money that they might consider buying Microsoft as a tax write-off, and about 95% of the world's population would look anorexic.

Sadly, reality, the greatest of all oppressors, has crushed the tobacco companies under its heel. No more creative "scientific evidence." There aren't too many forces left that fight valiantly for the obviously lost cause in defiance of all reason. The only other one I can think of off hand is Madonna, and her tireless crusade to prove that she's a serious actress. Fight the power sister!

I firmly believe that a lost cause is the only one worth fighting for, and that a real test of person's dedication and character comes when they are fighting a battle that they are obviously not going to win. With that idea in my right hand, and the idea that truth is beauty and beauty is truth in my left, I'm going to prove that smoking is good for you.

For the record, I'm a lifetime non-smoker. Both my parents smoked, so I picked up a good dose of second hand smoke, plus I was conceived in Sudbury, Ontario (in the shadow of the Big Nickel, if the rumors are true), which means that my blood is about 33.4% sulphur dioxide. But I have no pre-existing loyalty to smokers. I'm also not on the payroll of any large tobacco companies. Though I would sell out in a second if any one of them would like to pay me a substantial cash donation to publish my arguments. Any takers?

Where to begin? Well, having worked in a restaurant, I have observed the behavior of smokers and non-smokers, and I can conclusively say that the non-smokers were well on their way to ulcers and heart attacks at the age of 26, whereas the smokers are as calm and smooth as a sunny day on a quiet lake.

The non-smokers were the most uptight, anal, and prissy people I have ever met. Unless the food was in a bottle with one of those foil seals you see on aspirin bottles, they were worried that someone might have spilled the restaurant's sample of bubonic plague on their meal. Or worse, that there might have been human contact with the food. If there was a visible indication of human intervention, such as a hair or a thumb print on a bun, immediately they slipped on their oxygen masks and give themselves 40 booster shots.

Now I prefer that my food not be urinated on too. But trust me, if you want completely uncontaminated food, then start taking those nifty nutrient pills NASA has and never go into a restaurant or a grocery store again. I'm with the attitude that I just don't want to know what happened to my food before it gets to my table, as long as there are no human waste products visible and I don't die immediately after eating. Those digestive acids in your body can corrode metal, non-smokers. Believe me, they will have no trouble with the chef's thumb print.

With smokers on the other hand almost anything goes. Fingerprints, hairs, the prep cook's severed thumb, no problem. They'll munch away happily with nary a complaint, and leave a nice tip too. If the mess is so extreme that they do complain, they will say "No problem" to their apologetic server, and calmly light up a cancer stick while they wait for the severed thumb to be removed. Non-smokers on the other hand will call 911. And tip? Forget it. Our servers always fought over the smoking sections because they tipped more there.

Also, if you do adapt smoking as a habit, you can look forward to quicker promotions, and less work in a day. It's true.

Think about it. In any workplace, there is as percentage of smokers. These smokers have an addiction that requires a regular fix. So, three times a day at least, they go for a cigarette. This usually means leaving the building, as most places in this area at least have completely banned indoor smoking.

Three times a day, for about 15 minutes each, the smokers go outside, hang out and chat with other smokers. They're not really doing much, just talking and smoking, but everybody realizes that they have a habit, so nobody complains.

Now you non-smokers, try this. In the middle of the work day go outside and hang out in front of the building for 15 minutes, talking to each other. Your boss will rip you a new one. Why? Because you're goofing off. You don't have an addiction, so you should be inside working. At one of my jobs, seeing how much leisure time the smokers got, I was thinking of going one better and getting a heroin habit and see how much time off that gave me. A lot more than a smoker, I'll bet.

So non-smokers can't goof off (unless related to someone in power, in which case, they can be a heroin addict and it won't matter). They can't hang out and talk. Boss won't like it. But put a cigarette in your mouth, and boss will walk right on by.

Unless of course, boss is a smoker too. In which case, sooner or later boss will stop and light up. Boss can spend half the day smoking, and so can anyone in their company. They're talking to the boss right? Which brings us to yet another advantage of being a smoker in the workplace. If your bosses are smokers, you will have a better chance to socialize with them. They'll get to know you and you'll get promoted by virtual of the fact that they're the only employee they've actually heard of. Always keep extra cigarettes on hand too. If you've got extras to give away when a boss is jonesing, you're in the boardroom.

For my last point, I will use spin doctor techniques to put certain unpleasant facts in a more colourful light. Example: smoking will kill you.

Mysteriously, tobacco companies have been trying to cover up this fact. I can't for the life of me figure out why. I'd do a whole marketing campaign around the fact.

As you get older, you start to look back at the younger generation and you get appalled. I mean lordy lordy lordy, what a bunch of stunned fuckheads are being passed off as a teenagers today. They said the same thing when I was a teenager. Even Socrates, the great Greek philosopher, was appalled by the youth of his day. I think he might have used different words than "Lordy lordy, what a bunch of stunned fuckheads are being passed off as a teenagers today," but it's still the same old song.

Socrates was right to be appalled too. As am I, as were my elders looking at my generation. The short definition of "Teenager" is "stunned fuckhead." I know, I was a teenager, and that's exactly what I was. But I take gleeful delight in the fact that the generation that grew up listening to Marilyn Manson is going to turn purple when they hear whatever noxious slime their kids listen too.

If only I was a smoker. Then I wouldn't have to sit around and watch what that generation thinks of its kids. As it happens now, I will probably live that long. If I smoked, I could drastically reduce the odds of my living so long.

Sooo, do you want to live in an old age home, waiting for some guy you thought was a stunned fuckhead 30 years ago changing your adult diaper? No thanks. Hell, tobacco might not be strong enough. Pass the crack pipe.

With this in mind, why are tobacco companies delicately trying to side-step the issue? Now they try tactics such as marketing to "People who like to smoke," a lifestyle choice, as though cigarettes are a brand of clothing or something. Now if I were in charge of marketing for a tobacco company, I'd run a series of magazine ads showing teenagers doing teenage things. Text on the ad: "In thirty years, they'll be running the country. [Brand Name] Cigarettes. You're Fuckin' A Right They'll Kill You."

Then I'd change the cigarette carton so that it was shaped like a coffin.

Well, I think I've done my part in fighting the oppressive forces of reality for one day. Maybe for my next move against this formidable foe, I shall argue what a great movie Shanghai Surprise was.