CoN at the movies

Written by Jeff Wright

I've got a lot of stuff to cover this issue:


When I saw EYES WIDE SHUT, I was the happiest person on the planet. I was watching NEW KUBRICK!!!!!! The corners of my mouth were seemingly attached to my ears. It was the first show of opening day, and I was first in the theater, therefore getting the best seat in the house. This was gonna be perfect. I would have kicked someone out of that seat if I hadn't been there first. I hadn't slept all night out of anticipation that at 12 noon the next day I was going to be seeing a new masterwork.

The movie starts, and the first scene is projected at 2.35:1 for some reason. I thought that it might have been shot that way (I couldn't see why it would have been, but it might have been) because it looked perfectly framed. Then they opened up to 1.85:1. Oh fuck! Are they gonna screw this up?!?! (There weren't anymore projection problems thankfully) I digged the hell out of the first hour and a half or so of the film. There are moments of genius in it, and the orgy sequence is one of Kubrick's best ever. But then the film falls apart for me. Too much unimportant information given. If the movie had had about forty minutes cut from it, I would have adored it. However, the stuff that I didn't like at the end was enough to make this the first Kubrick film I haven't liked. I've only seen it once, and I guess I'll see it again soon, because supposedly it's better on repeat viewings. I have to give it a second chance I suppose. Kubrick was everything a filmmaker should strive to be. He made perfect films, that were intelligent, beautifully crafted, and straight forward. I still miss him.

On to happier thoughts. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. Well, actually I guess this isn't happy, but it's better than thinking about there being no Kubrick in the world. The actors opperated the camera in this film, and it's pretty evident. The camera shakes around wildly for almost every frame (or field I suppose) of the film. I wasn't watching much of it after half. I was motion sick, as were a lot of other people. I was looking into my hat, at my feet, and just flat out closing my eyes to keep from throwing up (a.k.a. Pulling a Gus. Inside joke, sorry). I ended up leaving before the end so I could watch it on video and not know the ending. The impression of the film that I left the theater with was that the acting was spectacular and very real. Other than that I wasn't that impressed. It was okay, but I think that alienating part of your audience by making them sick is retarded.

I just finished watching a video copy of the movie, and I wasn't terribly impressed. The ending begins to build tension (the first tension in the film for me) but then just falls flat and doesn't have any payoff. So I'm still impressed by how much money this movie's made, and by the actors, but other than that, I don't think it's a re-invention of the horror genre, or anything spectacular.

Dute, do, dute, do, dute, INSPECTOR GADGET. Dute, do, dute, do, dute, do, woo, woo. I don't have much to say about this other than it's really, really bad. It's an interesting failure, but not interesting enough for me to recommend it to anyone. It's pretty painful to watch for the most part. Catch it when it's on tv.

Here we go! DEEP BLUE SEA!!!!!!!! How bad does this movie look? Really bad!!!!!!! Well, that's partially true, but only the first half hour or so is bad, and it's got a lot of problems (the score, L.L.Cool J, the dialogue, etc). The rest of the movie however, KICKS FUCKING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! Now I'm not saying that it's a genius film. No, all it is, is a kick ass ride. It's a fun, fun movie. I haven't enjoyed a movie of this kind in ages. If you liked ANACONDA you should like this even more. Even if you didn't, you should like this. As long as you're able to sit through the first half hour, you should like this. The reason being that you build up hate for the characters during the terrible first act. Then the sharks start killing them off.

Renny Harlin (Who I didn't have an ounce of respect for before this. Okay, he banged Geena Davis. Props for that), can't direct character driven scenes for his life, but his ability to direct action is displayed in lights in this movie. This flic is all about what would really happen. How are eggheads gonna survive against giant fucking sharks!?!??! They're not!!! When a shark sees a main character, "FUCK YOU!!!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU NOW!!!!!!" Fun stuff. All I can say is "Go see this movie!!!". Even if you don't think it's as good as I do (REALLY, REALLY GOOD) you should at least feel that you got your money's worth, because there's one scene in the flic that if you don't laugh at, you have no soul. No fucking soul at all!!! You'll know the scene when you see it. It's one of the funniest things I'VE EVER SEEN!!!

Looking over this, I've come to realize that I'm not that subtle a writer. I'm using caps and exclamation marks all over the place. So to make up for my agressive approach, I'll end with a terrible piece of poetry.

That's it for me
The movie to see

Thank you.