Written by capnasty

WELCOME TO ISSUE 11 of CoN. For as much as I hate stupid commercials, I find myself here mentioning one that was rather successful in catching my attention. I'm talking about the Calvin Klein One (cKone) advertising that has to interrupt trailers during a movie presentation. It features starving looking kids looking in the camera or talking on the phone and saying really stupid things about the other kids that they, apparently, interact with on the Internet. As they speak, their e-mail address appears. Some pimply skinny kid with a bad hairdo starts saying how he's never going to go out with Tia. His address appears: ian@cKone.com. Tia appears on the screen and tells us how she's got the hots for this guy she's never met. tia@cKone.com. I can't really understand what the fuck the rest are saying since by the time the other kids appear on the screen, I've gottwo of my fingers jammed down my throat.

Now, since the perfume is not mentioned anywhere in the ad, what's the exact idea behind the advertising? Is it some new c00l way to have all those eLiTe l00zers out there run out and buy the perfume, since it's what cyber-dorks wear while sitting on IRC and talking about how great George Romero's ass smells? Makes you wonder. And the "actors"? I bet these great talented kids featured in that ad have stopped going to the movies in order to avoid an angry mob from breaking every bone in their juvenile body and stuffing bags of pop-corn in every possible orifice.

But curiosity got the best of me, so I decided to write to one of the addresses that appears on their retarded advertising. I write to Tia. I wanted to see if I'd get some weird promotional automated message on how cKone is the perfume for the real cyber-losers that surf the net looking for Sailor Moon homage pages.

Instead I get a really weird reply back. It's, apparently, Tia, writing on how she is in love with Ian, and she wants me to check on him to make sure he loves her back. No mention of the perfume, or anything, just the reference of Calvin Klein in the address. At the bottom it says to write "Leave me alone" in the subject if you are tired of Tia or any of the other fuck-wits you had the misfortune to write to. I pretty much was already.

Curious to find more information about this weird idea, I go to www.cKone.com. The url works, but instead of being greeted by Calvin Klein propaganda, I get an error. Great, you got me hooked on going to your site, and this is what you provide me with? What the fuck were the marketing geniuses down at Calvin Klein HQ thinking, anyway?

I decide to look a bit further into this, and searching at the headers of Tia's message, it seems that the e-mail actually was generated by Echomail.com. Echomail is a business that as a service, replies to the e-mails for your company. cKone's logo is among the many to which Echomail provides a service to.

Can you picture this? The lucky guy in the cubicle across from you gets to reply to some obscure e-mails about pet-care, while you have to sit there and write fiction about some lame-ass characters that appear in between movie trailers.

Of course no information about their client can be found, and not one of my queries sent to Echomail got answered... sounds like Echomail needs someone to check and reply to their e-mails...

Angie C. writes: "...all worshippers of the goat will be rewarded when thegoats finally initialize their plan of world domination. thegoats are all plotting against you, you must act fast and jointhem in their malicious journey to total power. only throughhonoring thy goat shall ye be saved." (Source: http://www.enetis.net/~vice/goat , from the Tickle-Me-SatanCoglione d'oro)
Yo, Leo, does this Coglione d'oro have anything to do with youranimal of choice? (and here i thought it was just a sexualpreference)
and a huge THANK YOU to IGNORE the HYPE for sharing his viewson Star Wars Episode 1. I wasn't knocked out by the film itself,but yeah it only took minutes for the first racial 'stereotype' toappear (the creatures with Asian accents). Then there was Watto(the spare parts dealer). Why on earth did he have an Italianaccent? And of course, JarJar, and all the Gungans, for thatmatter. Watching them all together (during the parade sceneespecially) made me think 70's, Jimmie Walker-esque stereotypes,and, well, i was embarrassed.
Most people i know thought JarJar was the highlight of thefilm. I did not laugh once at his goofy antics and i rememberbeing embarrassed for those who did.

The charred remains of J. Bell smolder:

Nice editorial there. I would bitch you out for disgracing meto your millions of subscribers, but I'll take the butt end of aneditorial if it'll make just one moron (such as BJ Sutton) realizethat he's not the king of the keenly intelligent, and that maybehe's just another moron that should never make another attempt atcorrecting someone just because he's jealous of their success at apublication and their wit that makes them look even wiser and morehip than himself. Plus, it's not like I know any of yoursubscribers anyhow.
By the way, I do question Mr. Sutton's classification of theworlds. You can't up the worlds geographically. Just becauseyou're in eastern Europe doesn't mean you're in a second worldcountry. And, he obviously thinks Japan is a funny ol' bug eatingcountry. I don't think he'd agree that some funny ol' bug eatersmakes a shit load of America's (and Canada's I assume) vehicles andaudio/video equipment.
There, Mr. Sutton, I tried your technique of correcting somehalf- efforted reply to an editorial just to make myself looksmarter and better than you and the rest of the CoN readers andeditors. I don't think it floats my boat quite as well as it didyours.
So, I guess my reply to this issue will be left at that. Putit in the next CoN at let someone else have their try at tearing itapart if you wish. Also, I can't believe I missed out on thelashing... surely my mistake of not being up to Sutton's standardswas worth a lashing with the editors. Damn...
Golden crisp (from my burning at the stake, of course),
J. Bell

Gregoire Seither, defends France and it's national viewing entertainment:

Hey, I'm French and I love CoN so stop hitting us a whole !!!!
Besides BJ Sutton doesn't sound like a french name....
And you should watch french movies more often, the Jerry Lewiscraze has been over long ago.... Come on !!!!

You're right and CoN apologizes. Quoting a latter e-mail from B.J. Sutton:

BJ: I've heard this Jerry Lewis/French connection theorybefore. You've obviously been gathering information aboutanother culture by listening to tee-wee comics, who speak fromthe safety of their little box. Better to go to the source. If you had spent any time at all in France, you'd know that whowe *really* like is Benny Hill.

This marks the end of this Editorial. To send your comments, just hit reply to this issue. To unsubscribe, read the instructions at the end of the issue. If you write UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject and mail it to us, you will be made fun of in the next editorial. If you fail to spell unsubscribe correctly, you will never be able to remove yourself from this zine. Our next issue will be about those annoying fucks that have to share their awesome intellect and ego with the rest of us over the Internet. Enjoy this issue.