OPEN ON BLACK:
MUSIC: dramatic timpani roll and sting
The following title appears:
AUSTIN POWERS 2
THE WRATH OF KHAN!
MUSIC: changes to incidental Muzak
We see a title scroll of the following narration:
NARRATOR (VO)
The producers would like to point out that this movie is in no way related to or inspired by the original Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. It shares neither characters nor setting nor action with the film of that name.
MUSIC: dramatic timpani roll and sting
A New Line Presentation
MUSIC: changes to incidental Muzak
NARRATOR
As time goes by it becomes increasingly unclear why the name Wrath of Khan was chosen for this film, since it will surely provoke a costly lawsuit.
MUSIC: dramatic timpani roll and sting
Of an Eric's Boy Production
MUSIC: changes to incidental Muzak
NARRATOR
Well there you have it, a copyright suit has been filed against us by the makers of Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. Our counsel informs us that we are without legal recourse and therefore, the new name of this film is:
MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting
AUSTINPUSSY
MUSIC: changes to incidental Muzak
NARRATOR (continued)
We've just been notified that in order to meet the requirements for the Motion Picture Association of America's PG-13 rating, we must, once again, change the title of this film. The new, and hopefully, last title is:
AUSTIN POWERS 2:
THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME
That's the beginning of the Austin Powers 2 script that I read a couple of months ago. I thought it was one of the funniest things in it, but somehow it was left out of the finished film. A lot more quality material was let out of the film, that upset me. In this little piece of ecriture, I'll talk about both, the film itself, and what stuff that I loved in the script, was left out.
First off, I didn't think that much of the first AP flic. It had it's moments, but there was way too much material that just wasn't that great. The second AP flic, has a few uneven moments, but not nearly as many as the first. It's also got many more great moments than the original. Almost all of the film's greatest moments come from the supporting characters (Dr. Evil, Mini Me, Fat Bastard, etc?), and not Austin himself. Mini Me and Fat Bastard are this film's greatest assets. They are both funny in what they do, but most importantly, just in the way they look. I don't want to ruin any of the film for people who haven't seen it, but I will say that Fat Bastard's appetite for a certain delicacy is the funniest fucking thing in the entire movie.
I don't know what to write about the film, since I don't want to discuss specifics, it is only a comedy. It's not groundbreaking film. I'd recommend the flic to people. It's really funny, and I enjoyed it emensely. I probably won't see it again until it's on video, but that's cuz I have pretty high standards for a film to be worth re-watching in a theater.
On to the stuff that was on the page, but never made it to the screen. I'll fill ya in on where the stuff goes.
ON THE SPRINGER SHOW:
SCOTT
I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television!
DR. EVIL
They offered me a free makeover.
ON THE SPRINGER SHOW:
JERRY SPRINGER
Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share?
DR. EVIL
Share?
JERRY SPRINGER
Yes, don't you have any secrets?
DR. EVIL
OK. I have a vestigial tail.
Everyone is a little grossed out.
DR. EVIL
It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot, but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in a coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that?
WHEN DR. EVIL RETURNS FROM SPACE, AT THE BEGINNING:
NUMBER TWO
Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus.
We see a swarthy Greek army guy.
DR. EVIL
Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited?
OEDIPUS
I could give a shit.
DR. EVIL
Kiss your mother with that mouth?
OEDIPUS
Yes.
DR. EVIL
Of course you do.
DURING THE FASHION SHOOT:
REBECCA
How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca.
(indicating the photo gear)
Your equipment is quite impressive.
AUSTIN
Thank you. Your breasts are amazing.
THE SCENE ISN'T EVEN IN THE FILM (GURU PITKA IS ANOTHER CHARACTER MEYERS WAS GOING TO PLAY):
GURU PITKA
Go with God, and pay at the door please.
AUSTIN'S RETURN TO HIS PAD IN 1969:
Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY".
AUSTIN
The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty.
CUT TO:
An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka.
ESKIMO
(to camera)
I don't get it.
___________
Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes.
AUSTIN
(German accent)
Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese food. An hour later I was hungry- for power.
CUT TO:
ZEUS GUY
Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills?
__________
AUSTIN'S RETURN TO HIS PAD IN 1969:
AUSTIN
OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil?
ROBIN SWALLOWS
I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.
AUSTIN
Really? I said Mister Evil.
Austin does a smug take.
AUSTIN
Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper?
ROBIN SWALLOWS
Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper.
AUSTIN
Really? I said Mister Pepper.
__________
IN SOME DIALOGUE SCENE BETWEEN THE TWO, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN (NOT IN THE BED SCENE THOUGH):
FELICITY
I love a man with a large appetite.
FAT BASTARD
And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing.
__________
AFTER TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT:
Dr. Evil signs off.
DR. EVIL
(to Scott)
I did love that, though. Cuba Gooding Jr. was outstanding. Oscar speech, very touching.
______________________
NOT IN THE FILM (AFTER DR. EVIL TASTES AUSTIN'S MOJO):
63 DR. EVIL ANIMATED SEQUENCE
A Yellow Submarine-like depiction of Dr. Evil. Zoom in on his head which explodes into 30 other small Dr. Evil heads which rain on a Peter Max-ian valley of flowers. The flowers sprout the word "EVIL'.
A psychedelic flying Austin head with spirals in the glasses smashes the flowers, changing the words from "EVIL" to "VILE" and to "LIVE" and then to "LOVE".
Turn-of-the-century fat cat capitalists on stilts with teeth coming out of their stomachs drop penis rockets that have the word "GREED" written on the shaft, smashing the "LOVE" flowers into "IRELO" which sprouts into "YELLOW" which turns into submarines, which becomes yellow penises of huge, goose-stepping Dr. Evils, each of them peeing, creating a rain of urine that falls on the Peter Max-ian valley of a hundred Austin Powers citizens. They each open an umbrella that says "LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER LUST". The urine turns into a stream that flows into the mouth of a huge head of Dr. Evil.
__________
AFTER DR. EVIL FINDS OUT AUSTIN AND FELICITY ARE ON THE ISLAND:
MUSIC: It's Rainina Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS
Three HE-BOTS enter in unison. They are robotic studs in Logan's Run type outfits.
NUMBER TWO
Dr. Evil, may I present the He-Bots. What kind of woman could resist these perfect specimens of masculinity? Their clothes are stylish, their posture is ramrod straight, and their buttocks are tight, like tigers. And, each He-Bot is armed with a secret weapon.
Angle on the first He-Bot. A nozzle flips up from his codpiece and white smoke pours out.
NUMBER TWO (OC)
Poison gas...
Angle on the second He-Bot. A gun barrel flips out form his crotch and FIRES machine-gun style.
NUMBER TWO (OC)
Machine gun...
Angle on the third He-Bot. A nozzle flips up from his crotch and yellow liquid drizzles out onto the floor, where it smokes.
NUMBER TWO (OC)
And deadly acid.
Dr. Evil is disgusted by the last one.
DR. EVIL
Right. I object to the last one on aesthetic grounds, but I don't care how you get Powers, just bring him to me.
__________
WHEN AUSTIN AND FELICITY CONFRONT DR. EVIL:
FELICITY
Dr. Evil, do you like real estate?
DR. EVIL
Of course. Why?
Felicity kicks Dr. Evil in the balls.
FELICITY
Now you've got a couple of achers.
DR. EVIL
Oww! My stomach hurts!
__________
AUSTIN ORIGINALLY CHASED DR. EVIL THROUGH DIFFERENT TIMES AT THE END, INSTEAD OF JUST THROUGH THE SHIP:
Austin runs over to the TIME PORTAL set for "75 BC". He runs through.
CUT TO:
108 INT. ROMAN VILLA - 75 BC
An orgy is taking place. Dr. Evil is in a toga with a laurel with two YOUNG ROMAN MEN feeding him grapes.
DR. EVIL
You make love to your wife out of duty, your mistress for pleasure, and a Roman boy for ecstasy.
(noticing Austin)
Shit.
So as you can see, a shitload of funny stuff wasn't used in the final film. I'm upset by it because it was mostly my favourite stuff from the script. HOWEVER, I'm glad they did choose to do a lot of improv because Fat Bastard's taste for that delicacy that I mentioned earlier, wasn't in the script, and neither was the whole bit with Mufassa (the assasin played by Will Ferrel).
Like I already said, go see it. It's best moments are really, really funny, and you'll likely enjoy it.
However, I'd also like to recommend another flic that I saw last night, directly after AP2. RUN LOLA RUN!!! This film just plain rocks! There isn't a second in the film where you aren't being entertained. It's breakneck pace kicked my fucking ass, and I figure I'll see this flic numerous times before it's out of theaters (I can walk to the new theater that's playing it in 15 or so minutes YEAH!!!!). Go see this flic at all costs!!! The basic plot is this:
Lola, has 20 minutes to get a hundred thousand marks to her boyfriend Manni, or else his gangster boss is gonna kill him.
The film is about more than that, but that's the most basic description that you can come up with. Run Lola Run is sitting pretty up on the top of my favourite films of this year for now and will definitely be in my top 10 by the year's over (there's just way too much stuff comming out for me to think that it can stay in the #1 spot). SEEEEE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!! I want to talk about the film more, but since I'm on my 8th page, I figure I should stop. Remember, go see Austin Powers 2, but more importantly, go see Run Lola Run (it's the least you can do as a way to thank me for not saying "Don't walk, RUN!!!").
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