Written by capnasty

WELCOME TO ISSUE 10. With projects and major assignments finished with school, it is possible to finally concentrate in front of this issue and absorb some more of that healthy radioactive glow that monitors emanate.

Ellen Kokoris writes in regards to CoN 9's Golden Testicle:

That JarJarMustDie link doesn't work

It seems that the site hosting www.jarjarmustdie.com tried to steal the domain off from the owner, to cash in into the enormous amounts of traffic the site generated.

IGNORE the HYPE shares a view over Star Wars:

Jar Jar Must Die

Between the opening psuedo Oriental race that held Queen what's-her- name's planet under siege, and this pseudo African-American Jar Jar Binks, the implied racials slurs are incredibly obvious to anyone with half a brain. In a Galaxy far, far away you still have to be a white male to be a hero (or have a half way decent character in a Lucas film). Pathetic.

In the "Real World" I think about "God" a fair bit. But I think of God in terms of we are all gods unto ourselves until we die... In other words, no Christian/Muslim/Whatever bullshit about living for the afterlife. I take responsibility for my actions here and now. God or the Devil didn't make me do it and no amount of praying is going to cleanse my soul. I'm here, I've done good and I've done bad?? so far the good out weighs the bad and that's good enough for me 'cause when it's all said and done, it's a round universe baby and what goesaround comes around to bite you on the arse when you least expect it. And further?? in the words of James Douglas Morrison: "I'm gonna get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames..." ... yeah so bite me!

From one of our two reviews of Star Wars, Ivy:

In Star Wars she did not say a virgin birth. She said that there was no father, that DOES NOT mean that she was a virgin. Geeze. I can't believe the negative attitudes that you people have about star wars.

I am not saying that it was the best movie that lucus has ever done but it was still a good movie. People dont seem to think that when the first movie came out in the 70s that it was already at the middle of the story, hence more action and drama. But this movie did not really jump into that because it was the beginning! It starts the story, it gives it a basis on which to evolve. The story still has a long way to go before it reaches a conclusion and I would like to think that people would not be so closed-minded as to not give it a chance. TPM is a beginning and nothing more.

And from David Dylan:

It's sad that the USA probably really is the best nation to call your own, isn't it?

I bet some Japanse guy allready calls the USA his own.....

"And this is my rembrandt, these are my antique samurai Sake bottles, oh and yea, this country I bought from the mitsumi corporation yesterday..."

campus i overhear comments from young girls like "Oh my gawd is it POSSIBLE to look like that?"
"I'd kill for a body like hers", etc.

Well, if you'd kill to get a body, then your problem is solved methinks.... just don't let the cops find out.

Our favourite is from BJ Sutton:

Well I've given you wingnuts some time here, some weeks, some issues, I've been patient.

Let's see, according to our logs you subscribed on April the 5th. That means you've read, what.. two issues?

I hadn't realised that the average age of CoN writers and submissers was about 18 or so when I subscribed. I wanted NASTY and I wanted it NOW. I could give a fuck about your cute stockings or your sandwiches or your grades or how awfully awful it is when people are rudeto hamburger flippers, kiosk karetakers, or the rest of the so-called service industry.

Translation: I don't work in the service industry, I never have, and I don't see why waiters are rude to me. Doesn't the fact that I have money buy me the right to be an asshole?

In addition, many of you are so woefully ignorant that my wincing is starting to resemble some sort of intellectual seizure. For example, Mr J. Bell from Idaho, FYI, Kosovo is in the Second World. The US and Canada where you all seem to live is the First World along w/Western Yurp, Eastern Yurp is the 2nd World, and the rest of those funny ol bug-eating foreigners live in the Third World. Obviously your high school teachers were NOT checking your homework, or maybe just being born in the soi-disant First World entitles you to be a boneheaded ass about the rest of the planet.

First, Second and Third World are economic terms, not geographic. Thus a place "is" a first world country, not "in" it. The imprecision of your language forever bars you from ever venturing an opinion or making a statement ever again, just as Bell's mistake makes him "woefully ignorant." Quick frankly, I am shocked that you don't research everything you say and attach three pieces of supporting evidence. We do, it's just that Mr. Bell's work happened to slip through our normally tight editing. If it makes you feel any better, Mr. Bell was burned at the stake and the editors have received ten lashes for the error.

You are perfectly correct about the ignorance and centricity of Canadians and Americans though. We should all strive to be more aware and accepting of other people's cultures like the French.

I'd like to see some Issues discussed here, and with some semblance of humour and intelligent nastiness if possible.

Actually, the Kosovo article was nasty. A place is being bombed, Bell says he doesn't give a shit.

Thinking I was perhaps plugged into The Wrong Website, I did an extensive search for cynical sarcasm and humour on the wuh-wuh-wuh, or the vay-vay-vay as they say in french. What did I find? A bunch of stupid self-indulgent pap, nothing remotely funny or even mildly titillating.

Tell us something?? have the French stopped rediscovering the "humour" of Jerry Lewis yet? Pardon us if we treat the opinions of someone from a nation where Jerry Lewis is enjoyed with extreme caution. When the whole Jerry Lewis appreciation thing is traced back to the effects of drinking a bad batch of cognac, then we'll treat your opinions on what's funny with a little more weight.

What's going on out there? Have the aliens who endowed us with a sense of humour taken it back? Is the experiment over?

"Heh, heh," he thinks to himself. "I'll bet they've never read that one! That's sure to make them feel illiterate. I sure feel better for quoting something moderately out of mainstream, it makes me feel intellectual and like I'm going against the grain."

Are we all so homogenised now that we'll yuk it up at any morsel of mass-media-inspired tripe? Are any of you out there thinking for yourselves, or are you just knee-jerking-off? Have television and the movies and all those groovy 'pooter games turned yer cerebellums into humourless dry husks?

Hmm... he's mixing his complaint with media anarchist rhetoric with slang, idioms and profanity. I don't think I've ever seen that before. It's good to know that he's got a style of his own and is not guilty of not thinking for himself. Tell us why hemp should be legalized again? How about something from Noam Chomsky? I haven't heard those diatribes for nearly ten minutes. Be sure to throw in quasi-technical/pornographic phrases such as "techno-tit" and "cyberdyke."

The sad part is, I bet you all laugh when someone's head gets blown off or maybe they get their arms ripped out at the sockets in some fuckwit film.

Violence in the movies is a serious social problem that needs to be stamped out. Violence in the real world, now that's funny.

Beware my babies. Escape, quit, F7, turn it off, get the kcuf out of there. Maybe it's not too late to experience the real, the natural, the nasty. Maybe someday you'll even be inspired enuf to write about it.

Uh oh, he's using Internet shortform, like "enuf" and text tricks like writing words backwards. We've obviously got an informed, hip user on our hands. If we aren't careful, before long he'll be using words like "phuck" and "fone" and substituting every "s" with a "z". Cleary, this guy r0000000lz in every sense of the phrase (or is it "frase")? Perhaps, Mr. BJ Sutton, you could enlighten us plebes.

We will file your letter next to the other guys who periodically toss off a venom-laced, pseudo-hip mail accusing us being unimaginative, conformist blah blah blah, but without offering any constructive advice on actually what they'd like to see, or worse, submit an article of their own that meets their criteria. After all, if they did that, it would only be torn apart by some wanker wit who's read a few books and now thinks he's the cutting edge of new and innovative media without actually having produced anything of his own.