Reasons to look forward to depression

Written by Mascalin

Depression, it's so serious.

Damnit, it's just not funny for breakfast anymore

I should know. I suffer from the rather annoying problem of having a natural facial expression that looks depressed. You know... there's some people that have a naturally worried look when they're just bopping along minding their own business, not thinking of anything in particular. There's some who walk like they're mad and stomp everywhere but they're okay, it's just what they do naturally. And there's Pamela Anderson who looks like a couple of hockey-rink-issued air-horns exploded in her lungs but she's a freak of pop culture that gets fondled on South American beaches and there's nothing natural about her or that at all. Well, personally I just naturally tend to look depressed when I'm just thinking to myself though I like to think I'm as far from it as most humans get.

But every once in awhile I find myself lost in a thought of some kind and some UNkind soul will jostle me back to this section of the galaxy with a grin that can only be described as "Teletubby". The following conversation will then quickly ensue:

Smiler: "Hey, cheer up! Don't look so sad!"

Me: "Huh? What I wasn't sad? I was just thinking of something."

Smiler: "Well, don't think such unhappy thoughts!"

Me: "No, I was just thinking about something I wanted to do that's all, I tend to..."

Smiler (cutting in): "Well, lighten up! It'll get done okay! Don't worry!"

Me: "I wasn't sad or worried, I was just thinking..."

Smiler (cutting in again): "Well, then stop thinking so much, silly!"

Me: "Grrr..."

Oh, TV what have you taught us?

(BTW: Doesn't that lady in the Dempster's bread commercial look like a creepy version of Margaret Atwood enjoying a loaf of bread just WAY too much? This was not the kind of Freudian imagery my mind requires, thank you!)

What I have to look forward to in life, of course, is every issue of CoN in my e-mail box like the prize from a box of cereal being Purolatored to my front door. So, of course, I can be thankful that in an issue on depression most people won't be too serious about depression. So without further ado and with the sound of Paul Simon's "Still Crazy After All These Years" playing like cheap supermarket muzak in the back of your head, I would like to present my little contrib to this ish here:

The Top 10 Reasons to Look Forward to Depression!

  1. Door-to-doorers become afraid of you and your constant insistence on waving the gun wildly while they try to talk.

  1. You can cut down on cleaning time when you wake up licking the kitchen floor every morning.

  1. The Donnie and Marie show is funny.

  1. You'll catch up on all those Rex Morgan, MD daily comics you've never been meaning to read.

  1. Wear whatever you want wherever you want and the police always give you a free ride home.

  1. No matter how low you go, you'll still never be as grumpy as Rex Murphy.

(Canadian inside joke here.)

  1. It's a great opportunity to join or create yet another end-of-the millennium militia group, get killed on national TV and have your neighbours finally be the first people on TV to say "Oh, we saw it a mile away. S/He was definitely not the quiet type, never kept to themselves, partied all the time, never paid the rent, and we never stopped to do a dang thing about it 'cause we were looking forward to being on a talk show as a well paid guest."

  1. Dishes left undone in the sink have been known to become sentient and eat all trespassers of their own free will.

  1. Trent Reznor becomes meaningful and Marilyn Manson doesn't seem so silly.

And the reason #1 with a bullet is...

  1. It's like Bruce McCullough of Kids In The Hall says:
    "Lay around naked, watch TV, eat corn-chips, and masturbate."

Thank you and g'nite!