Quite recently, Televangelist Reverend Jerry "Chuckles" Falwell published a report in the National Liberty Journal stating that Tinky Winky, one of the characters on the Teletubbies, was gay.
Whats the National Liberty Journal? Its a conservative Christian magazine. You can check it out their HQ at http://www.liberty.edu. Be sure to read their other headlines, IN THIS ISSUE: Non-Threatening Visible Minorities Working With White People and The Evolutionary Debate: Dealing With Common Sense, The Biggest Threat To The Creationist Standpoint and If God Didnt Want Us to Have Nuclear Weapons, He Wouldnt Have Made Women Work in Kitchens, or Something Like That.
And what are the Teletubbies? The stars of a truly warped TV program from Britain. Its actually aimed at 2 year olds, and features large, florescent-coloured toddlers with antennae, called Teletubbies. Each has a little gray square on his or her stomach, where sometimes they show a small video clip. The Teletubbies wander around a strange play-room like land, and speak in a kind of crude, baby-like English. Their names are Po, Laa-laa, Dipsy and Tinky Winky. The show truly has to be seen to be believed.
The official Teletubbies site is located at: http://www.bbc.co.uk/education/teletubbies/tubbies.html
Falwell believes that Tinky Winky is a little light in the loafers. Apparently, homosexuality can be transmitted over the airwaves, because he cautions parents to be wary of the show. Now, anybody who would got to such lengths to find homosexuality in a childrens show and then warn parents about it has obviously had the Bible thumped on his head one too many times. This is the same guy who called Ellen DeGeneres "Ellen Degenerate." Anyone this obsessed with homosexuality is in a tremendous homosexual panic of his own, and probably watches lots of football and beats his wife at half-time just to reassure himself that hes still all-male.
Whats his evidence that the Tinkster is gay, anyway? One of the arguments he makes is that although Tinky Winky speaks with a boys voice, he carries a purse. Strictly speaking, that makes the Tinkymeister a transvestite, not a homosexual. Many transvestites are heterosexual, they just enjoy womens clothing. So if anything, Tinky Winky should be singing tunes from The Rocky Horror Picture Show like "Im a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transsssssslyvania!" Or in the Teletubby speech "Ama swee twahvestite ah tahwnsexual twansssssssslvwaneee!"
Falwell also notes that Tinky Winky is purple, which according to him is a gay pride colour. I wonder what Falwell thinks of war veterans who were awarded the Purple Heart. As far as I know, purple isnt particularly associated with the gay pride movement. Pink is, and they do use rainbows a lot, but not purple in of itself.
Finally, Falwell observes that Tinky Winkys antenna is a triangle, which is a gay pride symbol. Wait a minute, hes got something there.
Might the Christian Rights paranoia about the "big liberal media" be correct after all? Falwells problem is that his job requires him to be as ignorant as possible, so he cant tell where the real evidence lies. As you may recall, I once alerted to the word to the brilliant anti-Totalitarianism subtext of the Spice Girls song "Wannabe" (see The Spice Girls Are Brilliant). People with an artistic background (like me) can see symbolism in their bowel movements. So Im much more qualified to examine the Teletubbies for subtext. Which I did. And I discovered a wide range of anti-establishment and leftist propaganda.
Further digging reveals some interesting information. For example, if you go to Tinky Winkys profile on the Teletubbies page, you learn these facts about him:
-He has a special song which he loves to sing to himself: "Pinkle Winkle Tinky Winky, Pinkle Winkle Tinky Winky."
Aha! Pink! And we all know that "Winkle" is sometimes a another word for "penis."
-Tinky Winky loves walking, marching, dancing and falling over.
I dont know that homosexuals particularly like walking, marching, dancing and falling over. That is unless marching refers to a gay pride parade.
-Tinky Winky loves big hugs best of all.
Oh yeah? HUGS FROM WHO, HMM?
Dipsy is obviously the environmentalist and possible eco-terrorist of the group. First of all, hes green--dead giveway. Dipsy frequently wears a giant hat with spots that look suspiciously like a cows. Dispys antennae is straight, going into the cow hat. Undoubtedly this is a savagely ironic attack on animal exploitation, symbolizing the rape of the natural world and the animal kingdom.
Teletubbies do not eat meat--rabbits are frequently seen hopping around the land in safety to illustrate this point. Dipsy, like all Teletubbies, only eats two things--Tubby Custard, and Tubby Toast. The hat probably further symbolizes the folly of eating meat. Remember that the show is from Britain, where Mad Cow disease has caused a number of problems. Clearly that hat (worn on the head naturally) represents the insanity of slaughtering animals to consume their flesh.
Laa-laas leftist leanings are the most carefully concealed. However, after lengthy consideration, it becomes clear that Laa-laa is sending a planned parenthood message message. Laa-laas favorite thing is a large round, peach-coloured ball. There are lots of possible Pro-Choice symbols here. First, it might represent the pill, or perhaps a diaphragm. It should be noted that Laa-laas antennae is a crooked, squiggly line--a sperm. Clearly, the ball is meant to counter the effects of the antennae--just like a birth control device.
Pos political leanings are the most obvious of all. Hes red, an obvious Communist. Po rides a small scooter, which represents the transportation industry. Clearly, by riding the scooter, Po is one worker controlling the means of production.
I have observed episodes of the Teletubbies where Po shares the scooter with the other Teletubbies--and here we see the workers controlling distribution, which is shared equally.
Pos antennae is a simple circle, which may represent the world, and the idea of a global communist state. It might also represent a chain link, a reference to Marx and Engels Communist Manifesto ("The workers have nothing to lose but their chains"). Alternatively, the circle could represent a constant cycle, as in Trotskys idea of the perpetual revolution.
Clearly Falwell was on to something, its just that he had no idea as to the depths of the liberal conspiracy, and lacked the proper training to find it. If such messages can be found in the Teletubbies, they can be found anywhere. Perhaps one day I will examine Mr. Rogers for references to Czarist Russian literature.
Until then, its time for a Tubby Bye-Bye, comrades.