The Golden Globes (and who's going to Hell follow-up)

Written by Jeff Wright

Well, I don't watch much tv so I won't comment on any of the tv awards. How's that?

The Good (this is not a comment following the rhetorical question above, it is a heading)

-Jack Nicholson's drunken stupor:

How damn funny was it to watch a drunk Jack react to the clips from his films? The best was watching him make scary faces during the Shining clip. Plus, his speech with misused words, and goofy faces was a riot.Probably the highlight of the show.

(Before we go onto the next one, who else thinks Tom Hanks was tanked too?)

-Sean Connery announcing the last award of the night.

Does it get much sweeter? A perfect closer. They should have Connery present every award at a show one year.

-Angelina Joli.

I spoke to soon above. It does get much sweeter, in the form of Miss Joli. Who didn't get that "YES! She can still be mine!" feeling when she said that the guy she was hugging and kissing was her brother? WHO? Except maybe guys who are a bit smarter than me and know to be afraid of John Voight.

-Hearing Philip Glass speak.

Nuff said.

The Bad (Heading #2)

-Antonio being robbed for Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy.

I haven't seen Zorro, but Antonio RULES!!!!!!!!!!(hehehe)

-Lack (or shortage) of nominations for Happiness, Your Friends And Neighbors, and American History X.

Three of the best films of the year almost completely snuffed other than Happiness' screenplay nomination. Ed Norton better not be forgotten at the Oscars cuz he deserves that Best Actor statue.And where was Jason Patric's nomination? Ah, forget it I could go on and on about what deserves nominations from these films, so I won't.

-Jim Carrey winning Best Actor in a Drama.

I haven't seen Gods And Monsters yet, but I'm going to today. From what I've heard Ian McKellan was a shoo in, but then again Ed Norton wasn't nominated.I would have preferred any one of the other actors to have won. Carrey's performance is good, but that's it. It's nowhere close to award worthiness (so it's not a word, sue me).

-Ed Harris winning Best Supporting Actor in a Drama, and connected, Billy Bob Thornton being robbed of that very same award.

BBT is absolutely fantastic in A Simple Plan and to not give him the award is just plain stupid. Especially by giving it to Ed Harris who is in the same boat as Carrey as far as how good his performance was.



Hey y'all. Not many of you responded to my little questionnaire. But those of you who did (save one person) are going to be fine just as long as you continue your streaks of not killing, raping, or diddling any kids. Congratulations!!!

Now onto the one reader of CoN who's going to Hell.

Mr. Stiff.

Sadly you are going to Hell when you die. Here are Mr. Stiff's answers followed by my responses to them(parts of my replies may not make sense since some of them contain or are based on personal knowledge of Mr. Stiff. For that I appologize):

1. i fucked your mom, so i guess that makes me hetrosexual. well it probably makes me the term the use for people who fuck animals, beasty whatever

Well isn't that pleasant? If this is your attempt at getting back at me for whatever I did to your mother, then I'm sorry. To tell you the truth, I don't even remember it; it was so long ago. If you would like for us to meet somewhere and discuss this, then by all means call me. It's on your mom's speed dial.As far as my mother being an animal, well that's just not nice. I let my mother read your e-mail and she's told me that she had sex with you once. I was upset, but she assured me that because of this message, you and her are over. She also made some comment about small genitals, as I was leaving (I didn't catch it though). 2. white, the way it should be.

White? Yes, but I was asking what racial background you have. White is not a race. Since I know you Mr. Stiff, you and I both know that you're of Jewish decent. No this isn't why you're going to Hell. Your racist statement of "the way it should be" though did get you a couple of going to Hell points.

3. i killed you brothers and sisters. now for the rest of your family. and i rapped your sister, but hell, we all know she deserved it. well that's what your dad told me.

I have no brothers, only a sister. Therefore I think you may have confused my family with yours (not sure if your brother is a brother or a sister). Raping your brother isn't really something you should be proud of, nor should you out your father by telling the world that he's done the same.

Oh, just so you know. Having sex with your brother is what's sending you to Hell. That and that other thing. You know what I'm talking about.