Written by IMPROV

- When you buy smoked and cured meat, what exactly is it cured of? Because frankly, I don't want to eat anything that's been infected with anything at all, even if it is cured... for that matter I thought smoking was bad for your health... and so is red meat... hmmm, here's a good idea: let's take red meat which will slowly harden your arteries and let's infest it with smoke... hmmm, lung AND heart damage, all in one meal. Gimme more.

- Guys... have you ever experienced this?... You're at a girl's house or apartment... not a girl you've been dating for a long time... maybe it's your first date or something... and you find yourself with the need to urinate... no big deal, you kindly ask where the washroom is and excuse yourself... nothing special about that... until you realize the washroom is within earshot of the living room, more importantly the toilet is within earshot... being a gentleman you don't want to offend this fine young lady by subjecting her to the horrors of the sound of you relieving yourself... so you try and aim it towards the side of the bowl, which is difficult because she has one of those cute fuzzy seat covers on the lid (personally I think if you want to do someone a favour those fuzzy things should be on the actual seat you sit on... never mind the cover)... so you got one hand trying to keep the lid up while the other is taking target practice on the side of the bowl... oh shit, you missed... you couldn't just hit the floor... no you had to hit the textured wall paper... all of this in the name of chivalry... BUT gentlemen never notice that theory changes when you get into a public washroom... you know, you're standing at a urinal, you don't want the guy cleaning his hands to think that you're not a real man... you know "unendowed"... so what do you do? You aim it right for the bottom of the urinal, where the most noise is made... "Urrrgh, me big man... pee loud!"

- Is it just me...? Or is sitting down on a chair that is HOT from someone else's ass just about the most disgusting feeling possible?

- This is the way the world works... it costs like 400 dollars to buy a lazyboy chair (recliner, excuse me)... 400 dollars, and that's the cheap model... how in the hell can a lazy man get 400 dollars? Here be a lazy boy... but you have to work for 400 dollars first!