When John Glenn returns from space, everybody dress in Ape Suits.
Some of you might remember seeing this as a Nasty Acclamation in the beginning of the last issue of CoN. It seemed funny and innocent enough.
It seemed funny and innocent enough even when I received it two more times that same night.
It ceased to be funny and innocent when I received more than 48 copies of it from different people.
Not even the Good Times Virus chain letter has made it to my box so many times.
WELCOME TO ISSUE 19 OF Capital of Nasty. This issue is about "gays and lesbians". Although I wish we had someone who was homosexual to write an article for us, all of the articles have been written by heterosexual people. How much do they qualify? Probably not by much, if not at all. We'll leave up to you to decide.
If there are any homosexual readers out there that are interested in submitting a comment or an article, please feel free, we always look forward to feedback.
THE FIRST e-mail arrived from Paul Gill.
I keep receiving emails that I DID NOT subscribe to and DONOT wish to receive. If I continue to receive thistype of mail I will authorise my company to proceed withlegal action.
If you are working for a company, you are one of two people.
A) The Boss.
B) Some underpaid drudge in a cubicle slowly turning into a mushroom.
If you are some underpaid drudge in a cubicle slowly turning into a mushroom, your company doesn't give a rat's ass about you. Go up to your boss and say that you're getting email you don't like, and that the company lawyers should begins legal action. Considering lawyers charge about 50 dollars a minute, your boss will say "Don't make us kill you and harvest your internal organs. Now get back to work."
If you are the Boss:
Then your system administrators are secretly laughing at you for your gross technical incompetence. Are you worried that you will get arrested when your computer performs an illegal operation? Still looking for the "Any" key? "Accidentally" subscribing to ezines and unable to unsubscribe? It's your own fault, you don't understand how your shoes work, never mind your computer.
From this we can conclude your threat to take legal action is meaningless.So we can say pretty much anything we want. How about "lick my nutsack"?Doesn't suit you? How about a" blow us"? Or a good ol' fashioned "fuck you and anything that looks like you"?
Rev.Sean C. Rothstein-Jacobson (who also contributed to this issue) writes in regards to the Television article that appeared in our last issue:
WAIT! You took sips! THEREIN LAYETH THE CRUX! Due to some DAMN ODDlogic, in American TV that is, the actual DRINKING of alcoholicbeverages CANNOT be shown! So thechicks/coolness/wealth/powers-of-a-God/GIANT beer bottles will onlyappear if you NEVER ACTUALLY DRINK THEM, but hold them and smileinanely. Try it. After awhile that smile becomes stupefying, andyou'll find yourself saying: "Buddy" "hey guys howsit hangin" "dude""eh" (oh! excuse me, sorry) "My way or the highway" "love em and leaveem" You begin to imagine yourself being referred to as "Chip" "Bill""Stud" " &c. You'll note that one hand has unconsciously slipped intoyour vest pocket (WHOA, where did I get a vest). ONE SIP HOWEVER AND YOU ARE A GODDAMN DRUNK-DRIVER WAITING TO HAPPEN!
Our next issue will be about various stories that have been submitted to CoN. It will not be about Heterosexuals (unless of course someone who is homosexual would like to write a parody of what it's like to be heterosexual).
Thanks for reading.