Calculated Risks

Written by Lord Lansdowne

Ah, falling in love for the first time. How can one forget? You see someone you know nothing about, do your best to find some info on them, and eventually (or not) a beautiful, romantic (and steamy) relationship with this person starts. The first touch of your hands with theirs. The first kiss. And everything, even a rock that the two of you have touched, is the most beautiful thing ever. That is until of course you realize what a real pain in the ass the other person is and you break up as you mutter to yourself "what the fuck was I thinking?" Ah, yes, that's love at first sight. Isn't it wonderful? Of course you have only one person to blame, and that's Cupid. Damn you Cupid, blind archer of my ass.

Granted, not everyone experiences it like that. I'm sure some of you are still dating the first love of your life. Some others probably broke up with the first love of your life and maintained a well-established friendship. Well, that's very nice, but fortunately, the majority of us, have experienced (sooner or later) quite a rough ride. So, please, don't send any e-mail in with comments such as "oh, I have been dating the same person for the past 500 years and we are in love as the first time". Great, but that's not the point of my article.

After the first love experience, people tend to go for the "relationship". Relationships are the most fucked up thing anyone will experience in life. First of all, chances are you will know very little about this person. Call it a relapse, if you like, of love at first sight. But it's a little different, being a step up then before. You know a bit more, you have an approximate idea of what is good to say, and you follow her body language in order to know what your next move is. Relationships are like playing chess and hockey together. She touches your arm; you touch her hand. She kisses you on the cheek, you kiss her on the lips. You look at her move, you calculate carefully what to do and then you slowly skate in to score.

You will have to learn this careful art as soon as you can, since, as my friend Gard explained, women stand side-by-side with oxymoron. They will examine each and every move you do to see what your intentions are. They will discuss what you did with their friends in minuscule and painful detail. They will come to conclusions you could never dream off, just because, when you entered the house for example, you did not take your shoes off.

Picture this: it's you and the current girl you just started dating. You are watching a movie you rented in the privacy of your home. Halfway through the movie you decide to touch her hand before she does. She thinks: "oh, he's getting audacious! He probably wants to get laid! The damned pig!"

You move your hand away: "Oh, he is not interested in me! I should break up before he decides to break up with me!"

You don't touch her at all to avoid:

a) any of the above

b) you are just shy,

c) since you tried the first two, you decided to avoid it all and save yourself the hassle of screwing up. Alas: "He isn't touching me. WHY isn't he touching me? He must be insecure. I don't want an insecure man!"

Note, all of the above have been proven by CoN scientists.

Naturally, there is a chance (a large one) that the girl is not interested in a relationship. She just wants to be "friends". This is called Platonic friendship. Platonic friendship suck, and unless you want to be "her best friend" for a long while, until she gets married, you are better off punching yourself in the nads. It's less painful and it will give you something more important to think about.

Of course relationships come and go. And they are all different. At one time she's blonde, the next time she's a brunette, or even blue skin and little antennae (if there are any Trekkies out there, can you tell me in what episode did Kirk date her? Thanks). However you will get to a point where you'll look for a woman which is something more than a pretty mannequin to carry around with you. This will evolve into a calculated risk.

Now, what exactly is a calculated risk? You see, after your first true love, where you fell head over heals for some girl, you begin to realize what exactly you want in a woman. So while technically you fall in love, at the same time you find yourself checking her out to be sure that you are looking farther than skin deep. It's still a risk getting involved with the woman, but alas, it's more calculated then before. You are not just going for it blind just because you like her breast size. Usually you go for things like "is she patient? Can she put up with me? Is she intelligent so that I can have a serious conversation with her?" The last one of course becomes a curse, and you find yourself wishing for a woman that was easier to control and manipulate and will not call you a male pig if you ask her to wash your 3-weeks old socks, all bundled up with some boring lecture about feminism.

Many things will change. You will be able to go for a week without her being at your house everyday, or being in the same house, doing different things, in different rooms. You will be able to go out with your friends without having to take her along every time. You will be allowed to talk to other women or even (gasp!) have female friends without causing nervous breakdowns over some hidden jealousy. Slowly but steadily the changes will occur, where the two partners will have personal lives, without leaning too much on the other.

Sex will also change. It will no longer be called sex, but it will mutate into "love making", which means that instead of getting up and leaving, once you're done, you stay in bed, making comments on how wonderful it is to be with the other person.

Love making is very important in these types of relationships as they allow you to become a better lover as you understand the person more by the signals they send you:

"MORE! MORE!" -- What do you mean, more? I'm giving you all I've got! One size fits all. It could be as long as the leaning tower of Pisa, and she would still scream for more. Shortly after the call for "more" usually she will start screaming for you to be "FASTER! FASTER!" God-damn-it. I'm going so fast, you can't tell if my legs are up or down. And I definitely think that if I go any faster my heart is going to explode.

Eventually you find yourself running out of stamina. It's been half an hour and she is still screaming for more at Mach-1 like speeds. And you are thinking, "how long more before you decide to come? Please come. Come on, come so I can stop". But no, for the past 30 minutes it sounded like they are about to reach what could possible be the most amazing orgasm they will ever have, but never really get there. Just about now a cramp started in your left leg. You get to the point where you don't even care about your orgasm anymore (not that it matters at this point, you can hardly feel your penis anyway) but you don't want to stop. If you stop, she's going to bicker at you with the "I was so close!" (Apparently women are always 'close' but never close enough). It's also a thing with guys, you know, they gotta be man, can't stop till the job is done, till the lady is satisfied.

Finally when they reach their orgasm, and you collapse in a pile of sweat, unable to move, your leg cramping happily away, your heart sounding like the drums of a marching army, they have the courtesy of pointing out that you are all sweaty. I am? Well bugger me.

If you find yourself involved with a woman who can put up with all your little dark sides, including smelly socks and awful breath in the morning, don't let them slip away. You might just have found your calculated risk.