They Ain't Roman Catholic

Written by Lord Lansdowne

Back in Catholic high-school we had this things called "Sexual Awareness classes", where we'd be fed propaganda about not having sex and that giving our virginity to someone else after marriage was the only way to go. A nun, of all people, was teaching the course. Of course nobody, except the ugly weird kid sitting at the corner there, much cared about this shit, in fact, probably a good 90% of the class was already sexually active.

But it was no use: if you had the fortune to get educated in a Roman Catholic school, part of the torture, beside religion class, was to endure in this long sessions in the auditorium on sex. Or their version of it.

When talking about sex, one would think that they would teach you important things, like when a woman is most likely to get pregnant, when she is not fertile, and of course ways of preventing an unwanted pregnancy. And why not learn more about each other genitals? I mean, I was born with this array of tools down my pants, which works in a relatively simple way, but how does a woman's work? Of course, in a Roman Catholic school, sex is a big taboo. It's a no-no, and they don't want you to have sex. So, they would start talking about all sorts of terrible sexually transmitted diseases, make us watch horrifying videos of people who got an STD and could not have sex anymore because they had become carriers, and had people with AIDS giving us long boring lectures on how easily one could become sick for life for a few hours of pleasure. Okay, I get it. But really? This is your tactic?

Their goal, I think, was to turn people off on sex completely. You'd look at a girl, start thinking dirty little thoughts and then suddenly, you'd be on the ground twitching and convulsing just at the thought of having sex.

It didn't seem to work too well however, as each year the number of pregnancies kept on rising.

This was especially due to the fact that they never said anything, during their brain washing sessions, about the amazing Condom(tm). It slices! It dices! And not only will it protect you from unwanted pregnancies, but it will also cut down dramatically on the number of sexually transmitted diseases. And since my school was packed with quite a large ignorant bunch, condoms even come with helpful instructions on how to correctly wear them.

It was no use though, the nun insisted in making us write these essays that sex was bad (like, she would know) or make silly presentations on how important it was to be a virgin. And if you intended to graduate, you'd better do a good job at it. You got lucky last night? Good for you, but if the nun asks you if you are a virgin, stand up proud and scream "yes I am!". Graduation was one step closer.

Of course, I had the chance to go to a public school for a while. I did, all because of a girl, and when you are in love, you'll do a whole bunch of stupid things. Among them, go back to school. Now, Public schools are a lot of fun. People shooting up in the stairs, someone making out in the washroom (just washing my hands, don't mind me), and of course, someone would get the shit kicked out of them as you were going to another class. The cops would be parked in front of the school automatically after class as a deterrent for violence. A friendly environment indeed. Surprisingly sex-ed here was based on having the nurse passing around condoms and instructing everyone how to correctly use them. They had it figured out here, and since they couldn't prevent people from having sex, they could at least hope to reduce the amount of pregnancies.

Catholic folks still had to buy their condoms. Of course there were four types of people: those that didn't have sex, those that had sex without a condom, those that bought condoms at 7-11 and finally those that bought THE condoms at a Drug Mart.

Drug Marts sell the best condoms. From Trojans to LifeStyles, you can't get wrong. These condoms are bullet proof. They come in every possible variety, from ribbed, to lubricated, with spermacide, to the triple combo with fries and the chance to win a vacation for two in Amsterdam. They are pretty reliable, they don't break easily and they come in handy packages that look professional. And of course, a graphic pamphlet on how to properly use one (or to convert them to a damn). Even a rookie will quickly be able to install one and get ready for action. They forgot to mention one thing: when you pull them off, try to peel'em off, don't pull them from the tip. Condoms create a vacuum and you'll have a strange hickey appearing along the side of your tool as the blood is sucked near the surface.

7-11 sells condoms as well. The advantage is that they are open 24 hours a day and they are never out of stock on anything. You can go there at 4 in the morning, get a slushy, a copy of Playboy (or Playgoat, depending) and a pack of condoms and you can rest assured they will have them. 7-11 however sells only one brand, called Sheik. Now Sheik look like they were marketed by some porno magazine, as each different type of condom has a picture of a semi-nude woman on them. I guess this was to tell the idiots that you used them when having sex with a woman. Not only that, Sheik condoms looked and felt as if they were made of cheap plastic and had the durability of a plastic bag. Actually, a plastic bag is probably sturdier. And whatever chemicals they used to kill sperm or to provide lubrication seem to have the strange tendency to cause strange rashes in the user. A sure pain in the.. eh.. ass.

Of course there are those folks that don't buy condoms. Why? Because they believe a lot of sensation is lost with them. The truth is that they are simply scared shitless to go to the store and line up in front of the cash with a pack of condoms. The woman behind you is probably looking at them weird and they can feel the muffled snickering of the cashier as she totals up the amount. What's there to be ashamed? When I go and I line up in the cash, I proudly present my box of condoms to the cashier. Not only does this show that I am a caring and concerned guy about my partners and my own health, but that if anyone should be grinning, it's probably me.