Written by Mr. Cranky

Rated: 4 bombs

Director Roland Emmerich and producer Dean Devlin were obviously raised by birds. As I imagine the hordes and hordes of stupid people going to see this film I can only visualize one thing: As the movie starts, the hordes tilt back their empty heads, open their mouths wide, and wait for Emmerich and Devlin to come round and regurgitate popcorn and jujubees into their mouths, because they're little more than helpless, brainless, baby birds.

There isn't an original or creative moment in this entire film. Godzilla is but an inflated "Jurassic Park" T-Rex running around New York City. When Godzilla jumps in the water and is chased around by a submarine, Emmerich and Devlin are quick to rip off "The Hunt for Red October." When Dr. Niko Tatopoulos (Matthew Broderick), Philippe Roache (Jean Reno), Animal (Hank Azaria) and Audrey (Maria Pitillo) discover Godzilla's lair in Madison Square Garden, the film wastes no time in ripping off "Alien." After two hours of this, the only rip off I was waiting to see was Emmerich's or Devlin's head.

The story is paper-thin, the dialogue could have been scripted by an ESL student, and the character development makes one pine for the complexity of an Emilio Estevez tour de force. Who the hell makes Matthew Broderick the lead of an action film anyway? Make pubic hair a leading-man requirement and these kinds of mistakes can be avoided.

How bad is this movie? Here's Emmerich and Devlin's idea of humor: The mayor's (Michael Lerner) name is Ebert. His assistant's name is Gene. Ebert eats a lot and calls Gene names. Jesus, Emmerich and Devlin should have just cut straight to the gratuitous scene of themselves sucking Siskel's and Ebert's chubbies. Hell, why not just have Ebert whip out his fifty-foot long penis and beat Godzilla to death with it? If you're going to suck up for positive reviews, you might as well go all the way.