Flopzilla, Godzilla

Flopzilla: Don't Believe the Hype

Written by G. Summer M. Scarbough

*.5 out of ***** stars

WARNING: If you've never seen "Godzilla" and intend to shell out your hard earned (or your parents') money to view it, don't read this. It'll just plain spoil it for you.

Actors: Hank Azaria, M. Pitillo, guy from "The Professional", Matthew "Ferris Bueller" Broderick, others Major Ironies: 1) "Worm" researches and has his life spared by Zilla, then helps kill it; later, after its death, looks at it sadly and dejectedly. 2) the women in the movie are clueless (Ms. Backbone...M. Pitillo), nagging (Animal's wife), or intelligent but looking for a man (researching doctor) 3) at the end, one wishes Godzilla would have roasted them all to bits

Acting: The guy from the Professional and Azaria were the most believable Effects: **.5 of *****

Godzilla appears as a cross between an overgrown Tyrannosaurus Rex and those plastic dinosaur 10cent figurines...not to mention the fact that the old Zilla shows seem more credible. No wonder you never get to see Godzilla in the movie previews. A first glance at the lizard, refunds would be obtained.

Plot: * of ***** Writing: * of ***** Soundtrack: **.5 of ***** Synopsis: Wait for the Video [don't even pay $3..pay $1.50)

It all started as a regular date with my boyfriend--looking forward to a relaxing movie. We shelled out the cash (an inordinate amount for a movie), got a blue raspberry slush and sat down in the darkened theatre. Little did I know that I would have had a better time watching a -gag- Seinfart marathon.

For those of you who don't know, Godzilla is the screen version of the popular Japanese films about a large reptilian creature which usually smashes everything and gets killed in the end.

That said, you have some sort of framework about the film.

It starts with this worm specialist researching toxic worms at Chernobyl and called in to investigate large lizard footprints.

During all this, boats are pulled undersea (a' la "Jaws"), and we see into the life of the Worm Guy's struggling, backboneless, non-reading-lines-well former college sweetheart. Her goal is to be a TV newscaster. Her friend, nicknamed Animal, is a constant sidekick (besides his wife) and is played by Hank Azaria, of Simpsons voices fame.

So, as any child can figure it, the 2 paths will cross, and disaster must* automatically happen. The reporter decides to get in touch with Ol' Wormie, steals a top secret videotape (which just happens to be lying on a table inside a tent with the hand-written words "TOP SECRET" on it) and wants to put it on the air at the television station where she works.

Meanwhile, Mr. Worm, after using over the counter pregnancy tests, determines that Godzilla is pregnant (he reproduces asexually). To his dismay, the top secret video is aired, and the concept of Godzilla's pregnancy is put on the air.

Consequentially, Wormie gets fired, and is thus kidnapped by France's version of the CIA or such.

In between all this rip-roaring excitement (yawn), Godzilla has made his appearance, evaded high speed U.S. helicopters in downtown New York and charged back out to sea.

The chase-the-lizard sequences happen a lot, until finally the CIA/FBI trap the lizard and seemingly massacre it. They think it's dead, are all happy-happy-joy-joy, while Wormie (Matthew Broderick) and the head French leader (played by the really good actor who was in "The Professional) find the lizard eggs. Wouldn't you know it, Godzilla laid about 200 unhatched & incubating eggs.

Insert the fleeing-from-the-baby-lizards scenes here, a la Jurassic Park.

Finally, the "nest" is blown up, Godzilla (he's not dead really) is seen looming over Madison Square Garden, nudging his dead baby 'zillas. Finally, he's pissed as all hell and goes after the taxi full of the backboneless blond, Matthew Broderick, the French leader and the cameraman, Animal. After driving across the bridge, Godzilla gets tangled in the wires, and as he is entangled the CIA/FBI/police open fire on the large animal.

As Godzilla's heartbeat fades (courtesy of drums), Mr. Worm walks up to him, staring at him, looking as though he feels sorry for it. Finally, the heartbeat stops and Worm looks sad and dejected....but not for long, as Backboneless wants to get back with him.

It ended as crappily as it began.

The bottom line is to WAIT FOR THE VIDEO.

* as approved by the universal American scripts...the same scriptwriterswho always have women tripping on a twig in a big chase sequence.

G. Summer M. Scarbough is currently waiting for funding to go seeBulworth. Her site is http://www.angelfire.com/mi/TallWmn