Your Ex-Girlfriend: A Survival Guide

Written by Lord Lansdowne

After I had realized that girls were not disgusting as I always stated when I was in kindergarten, I began hunting down for a girlfriend. Unfortunately I wasn't sure what I was looking for, nor was I aware of the dangers involved in a relationship. I just thought "hey, I'm horny, she looks cute, I want her". Of course that is morally wrong and just plain bad of thinking of girls like that, but I was young and immature. I didn't know any better. I still don't know any better, but that's another story.

After many unsuccessful relationships, I decided to settle down with someone that could put up with me and not complain about my weird behaviour or my fascination toward goats. All was well, life was good.

Then one day, for no apparent reason, the ex-girlfriend called.

Now you see, an ex-girlfriend will normally not call you for the simple reason she hates you. In her eyes you are the scum of the earth. Pure evil. Bad. And as far as she is concerned, the reason it all ended it was your fault. This will not only cause the unfortunate effect that she will spew evil about you, but also fuel the myth of all men being scum. I'm a nice guy. Honest.On a more positive side, if you are walking down the street with your new girlfriend, and she sees you, nothing will happen. She knows better than to make a fool out of herself on in a public place. You will both cross each other on the sidewalk, and when you are past their ear range, she can talk evilly about you to her partner.

But this one called back.You see, she decided one day that I was just not cool enough and told me right there and then that it was over. Bob over there had a better car, a leather jacket and he wore those really cool shoes that everyone was raving about.

For a while I sat there picking up the pieces of my heart, feeling miserable and all. I started listening to really corny music, sighed and sobbed a lot. Then I thought about it and I said "you know what? This was the best thing that ever happened". I dropped my heart pieces to the ground and walked away, my brain trying to convince my emotions it was okay to move on.

The ex-girlfriend called back and began pulling the typical alone-ex-girlfriend techniques:

1) Usually, after the little trick "do you know who this is?" she will start talking about how miserable she is now that the guy she dumped you for, dumped her for another girl. You have been introduced to what I call the "I've been dumped" technique. This has the effect of making you think "she's single again! Maybe she'll want me back!" Now this has worked in a few cases that I have witnessed, but think about it: she left you for a silly reason and now she wants you back. Last time you checked you are not a spare tire. I usually point out how shitty that must have felt and that you know that feeling already (hint hint). By now she is hoping you feel sorry for her, which is the first step in bringing out those old feelings you had. The best defense is to start talking of how happily involved you are with your new girlfriend, of how great she is, and describe with miniscule and painful detail all the things she does that she never did. The conversation will not last long, she will never call back.

2) She calls again. I guess she is a little more stubborn then we originally assumed. You'll notice that this time conversation will be more casual, and she will be very careful in saying anything that will spark you in talking about your girlfriend. In fact, she is somewhat smarter this time. Be careful, she will use the "Past Approach". She will talk about times prior to your girlfriend of when the two of you were dating and the wonderful moments you spent together. A good deadly reply that always shuts them up is "yeah, going out with you was a good, growing experience. Now I know what I don't want in a woman". A nuclear bomb would've have done less damage. After that blow you can rest assured she will not call you ever again.

3) Unfortunately she has not been convinced yet and she calls again for another blow. Her mental attacks will be a little stronger and clearer this time. She will bring up the letters and poems you have written her and start reading them to you. At first you'll be surprised she still has them, and this might cause you to start feeling again just because she didn't throw anything of you away (even if at the time she said she had).

"Do you remember this poem you wrote me?" she will ask.Answer with the carefully tested answers. CoN scientists have determined that this works best with a little pause prior to speaking with a disgusted tone:"I wrote that shit to you? What was I thinking..."

Guys, don't forget to throw your letters away. Your current girlfriend doesn't like finding that stuff in your house.

4) She will call you. Tell her you are busy because.. uh... your girlfriend is over. She will ask you to call her back. Say "sure". Don't forget to "Forget" to call back.

5) Her final and desperate move will be to invite you out for a coffee or dinner. At first I thought, it would be wise to decline. If I accept, my girlfriend will have my head, and my ex might will think that finally I have come to my senses and I want her back. My girlfriend surprisingly more evil and diabolical than me told me I should go. Dress nice, look spiffy and don't forget to shine your shoes. If you got a nice shirt your girlfriend gave you, make sure you wear it.

Finally you get to see her. Tell her how she has changed, she looks a little shorter... did you put on some weight? (that comment works better than a stun-gun. Notice the twitch on her eyebrow). She will compliment you on how nicely you are dressed and you get to reply with "yeah, my girlfriend bought me this really nice shirt". Spend the next 15 minutes discussing about her great clothing tastes, and how that reminds you how great she looked just the other day when... don't overdue it though.

The waiter will grab your drink order, and she will take this chance to ask you, after dribbling the question around a bit, if you are interested in getting back with her. While looking over the menu, reply with the patented answer "no, not really... but we can still be friends... hmmm, this looks good!" and point out to her how the pasta All' Arrabbiata is great and she should try it.

Congratulations! You have destroyed her. She will sit there looking miserable (make sure you ask "you look so down, what's the matter?" - being a woman she will answer you with a typical "nothing" answer). Notice how she will hardly touch the food, this most likely caused by a the deadly combo "did you gain weight?" question and your "let's be friends" answer.

I will probably get criticized for my childish behaviour, but I can't help it. I am evil and vengeful and I always enjoy my steaming and evil plotting.

I find it better to conclude this with the wise words of Professor and friend, Peter Steen: "ex-girlfriends should be handled like nuclear waste. Bury them in the ground and hope they're harmless in 10,000 years."