Titanic and letters

Written by capnasty

THERE IS NOT A DOG IN TOWN that hasn't been telling me that I should watch Titanic. They are in love with the movie. They have watched it already six times and want me to go with them and watch it again. People that wanted to hate the movie, or promised they weren't going to see it, came back completely brainwashed and repeating like drones “go... see... Titanic... movie... good. must... enjoy... love story. “What the hell is going on here?

A former flame of mine has been shattering my bullocks about it. Everytime she hears the Celine Dion song, she has to stop, sigh and tell me some new detail about the movie. "Oh Leo! They spent their most beautiful three days of their life together!" I'm sorry, did I say I cared? "Oh, she is so beautiful and he draws her naked because he is a poor artist!" Yeah, what is it with the "poor artist" thing anyway? Even in the opera Rigoletto, his daughter falls in love with a guy who passes himself for a "poor artist". Poor artist my ass! Why isn't he a grocery clerk? Or the editor of a zine? Or some-sort of web-programmer? I bet my buttocks, that if I go and chat with a girl and I say "I am a poor artist--" she'll be all over me before I can finish the sentence.

Now, unfortunately I will have to see this movie, for two reasons: first of all, I can't go around dissing it if I haven't seen it yet. I’ve heard enough of it to make me puke for a while, but it's still no excuse. Second, my girlfriend read IMPROV's article on Titanic and guess what? She goes "if your friend IMPROV liked it, then we must go see it!" No, really, we don't! What is it with women and these love stories anyway?

200 million dollars spent on a 45 cent script. Had I picked up a Harmony book at random, changed a few things so it would fit on a big ship, dropped Leonardo Di Caprio in it and made sure the love story ended in tragedy, people would love it. It doesn't matter how cheesy the story is, as long as it ends in tragedy, then it's a great love story. Had Titanic ended with the two main characters happily married, nobody would've bothered me so much, nor would this have been such a great story. Perhaps I'm bitter.

As I wait patiently for the deadline to arrive and for my chance to endure... err... watch the movie with my girlfriend, I fear but one thing: that I might enjoy the movie. However, I still think that if you want to watch a real love story, you should stick to The English Patient.


In my article "The Meaning of Life" that appeared in CoN III.4 I originally wrote:

... war will not be fought in a civilized manner like in WW I or WWII. This time it will be Chemical.

Chen Drori replies:

Not to be the prodigal pain-in-the-ass, but just to point out this inaccuracy - if This time will be Chemical, as Leandro points out, it won’t be different than the Last time or a few specific other times. Chemical and Biological warfare has already been carried out, even by Iraq itself, but not only by it. Iraq has used chemical agents such as nerve gas and other assorted flavors of toxins against the Kurdish minorities in the northern part of the country, as a part of Pres. Hussein’s plan to eradicate the Kurdish people. Even Japan has had apart in this. In WW-II The Japanese used biological warfare in their invasion into China. They even had a whole POW camp in use as a biological warfare test site (film footage exists of Japanese scientists walking around the campsite with gas masks and lab coats on, taking samples and examining the prisoners).And you know what? That's not the first time, either. In medieval times, the besiegers of cities used to catapult rotting and diseased corpses over the city walls, so that they would spread infection and weaken the cities' defenses.

If that's the case, in the Wild West, Indians were given blankets as gifts during "peace" treaties. However these blankets originally had been used in hospitals as blankets for very sick patients. The Native Americans' immune system, not having experienced the European diseases, quickly got sick and many of them died. However, that wasn't the point of the story. The point was that we should live it up now. The inability we have to control what is in the air reflects on our inability to control what life throws at us. We could be dead tomorrow with a typical bus running us over. Chemical or not, enjoy life to its fullest and make sure you got a good book waiting for you at the can.

Beside that, you are a pain in the ass. There is always some freak that has to write back and add their two cents worth on something. Next thing I know, I'll check my mailbox and someone will have written how his or her testicles have more hair then our Golden nard.

"Well, yeah" I answered as casually as I could "sex is almost as essential as food. In fact, I can't think life without either of them".
Just in relation to this - did you know that sex is just like breathing air? Yes, it's totally unessential - but only as long as you’re getting enough of it!

Breathing doesn't seem so unessential to me. If I stop breathing, I turn purple. If I stop having sex, I turn red and hot and I need a cold shower to cool down. So yes, we better get enough of it. However I don't understand how it can be unessential. You got to check your priorities, I think.

Dr. S.J. kindly informs us why she reads CoN:

I realized why I subscribed to this zine: a good book for a good shit....
your zine is from now on going to be a permanent guest of my bathroom window sill.

And lastly, Julian Yap sends us his "CoN Comments"

To Mr. Editor, I find your fine publication very entertaining indeed. If fact, it’s the best thing I read on a regular basis. I only stumbled onto your magazine by accident through the ALT.EZINES newsgroup but I’m glad I did. Your 'zine truly shits over all other 'zines. My only gripe is that your online web site does not do your 'zine justice.ie. it's shit. I find that IMPROV is my favourite writer because he shits on about his sex life and stuff but sometimes he just shits on for the sake of shitting on and on those cases, he's pretty shit. Keep up the black, sardonic humour and throw in some more sexual references (just what the public wants).

Dear Julian, thank you for your comments. I hope that you have the shits while reading our next issue. This will ensure you will seriously enjoy your toilet time and that yet another issue of CoN ends up sitting on someone's washroom window sill.

Have a good one folks.