Written by IMPROV

Who ever said Microsoft is bad? As usual, on my work account I received a spam. Only thing that this one has a return address on the Microsoft Network (MSN.COM). The spam gladly stated that if I wanted to buy 3 million e-mail addresses (of which two of those are mine I bet) I could simply write to `shopmarket@msn.com'. I forwarded the e-mail to the postmaster of MSN.COM and expected an immediate automatic reply. The reply came, however it was an actual human being. The person apologized for the misconduct of their user and promised to take action against them. I must admit I was quite impressed.

After having watched "The Replacement Killers" and realizing what apiece of shyte it all was, we were all kind of disappointed in how we had wasted money to see it. Fortunately Bennett, the most positive of the group, pointed out that it was indeed better than "The Crow: City of Angels" and that we should be grateful there was at least a hint of a plot although surrounded by rather unrealistic bad shooting. What I mean for unrealistic is when there is a bad guy hosing down a small Japanese car with an M-16 and the driver is safely protected behind the thin glass windshield. In another scene, a woman is backing out of a parking spot in a big Chevrolet Yukon, and the bullets enter the vehicle and turn her to shreds. Chow Yum Fat gives us a big academy-winning face of a man in shock when he looks at the dead woman in the truck. Apparently this is something he likes to do in most of his films as I had the chance to find out. I rented one of his earlier movies from a small Chinese video store. I asked the woman behind the counter who handed me a tape that looked as legal as a three dollar bill: "Is this movie in English?" "English? Ahhh.. noo, movie in Chinese! But it's subtitled! “If you go and rent a movie from a small Chinese video store looking for an early movie of Chow Yun Fat make sure you ask in what language they are subtitled: mine were in Korean apparently.

Anyway, the movie was titled "The Killer" and it stars Chow Yun Fat as a killer named Achoo. I figured this out because whoever kept on yelling this for too long, he would turn around and shoot them. About thirty seconds into the movie suddenly Achoo pulls out the guns and starts to kill an incredible amount of people for no apparent reason. He even takes two bullets to save a girl, who he blinds with a shot and becomes her lover. Chow Yun Fat made my eyes moist with his facial expression of pain realizing he has ruined the girl's vision. After a while bullets are taken out of Achoo's back, and we are now introduced to this policeman who tries to get a deal going, fails, and starts to chase the criminal in downtown Hong Kong. One thing I noticed about this movie is that whoever is scheduled to die is dressed in white. Many civilians dressed in white are killed as the two dish it out on a streetcar. After a while, the camera zooms on a little girl, dressed in white, and you guessed it, she gets shot. Achoo grabs the little girl and rushes her to the hospital where they are able to restore her to perfect health no matter how many M-16 rounds have gone through her body.

Then, for a long time nothing happens.

I'm not sure why, but Achoo and the cop become friends, because both lost dear friends to this common criminal. This causes them to seek some terrible revenge against this guy and they kill an incredible amount of bad people. They come from the doors, the windows, the basement. For a minute I felt like I was playing something on the PlayStation.

At the end, there are long slow-motion scenes of Chow Yun Fat dyeing and the cop who is now his friend screaming "Achoooooo!!!!". He blows the bad guy away, drops on his knees and the credits start rolling up. There are some really funny moments where everyone is laughing in the movie, but I seem to miss the humor. I'll probably go rent a few more now, and invite a few people over. Perhaps our collective minds can figure out the plot a bit more and after all.. it's just too much fun watching the shooting parts.

Lastly, I owe apologies to a dietician. Somehow one of my articles from a previous issue written in a state of mind nowhere close to normal got to her and she wasn't quite impressed. So to avoid her killing me next time I bump into her, I'll apologize: so.. uh. really, you are incredibly attractive and beautiful. I had just forgotten my glasses home. Yeah. That's it.

Have a good one folks.

Okay, so I just got back from my first viewing of James Cameron’s Titanic. I'll be honest, I wanted to HATE this film. What with all the hype, and pomp and circumstance I thought that this movie was going to have to give me an orgasm to meet my expectations.

I looked forward to trashing this 200 plus million dollar nightmare...and much to my dismay, I loved it. Unlike certain over hyped predecessors(i.e. Jurassic Park) Titanic is, well, great. I am disappointed to say that there was very little I can complain about this extraordinary film. You really have no idea how much I wanted to tell you that this was the crapiest movie I've ever seen, I wanted to say that I'd prefer to watch a Pauly Shore movie (actually TWO Pauly Shore movies in this span of time) rather than sit through this again. Alas, I'd gladly see this again, and in fact, look forward to the time that I do get the chance.

I sat down expecting to see a boring love story set to an all too well known historical disaster. Instead I watched an intriguing spin on forbidden love and a spin on a sad tale that I'd never imagined. Often in many disaster films, the idea of the individual suffering is lost. It normally is replaced with carnage, but in this take of the greatest sea disaster ever, Cameron retells the unbelievable suffering that took place. He portrays the mass destruction that the Titanic was responsible for in gut wrenching form, and yet he doesn't lose that personal edge that separates and average disaster film from...well this: a classic. As an audience member, you know that Rose (Kate Winslet) survives and Jack (Leonardo Dicaprio)...well isn't quite as lucky, but Cameron still keeps the audience on the edge of their seat. What with the love story and special effects this movie should please all. With one exception...

I thought that the most painful thing in world was to watch Billy Zane movie...that is until earlier tonight. The only thing worse than Billy Zane acting, is Billy Zane acting with a fake Limey accent. Christ I hate that guy, that guy is as talented as Sinbad. Anybody see the Phantom? Didn't think so. There's a reason for that, HE'STERRIBLE. Mind you, Mr. Zane isn't the only one who attended the Kevin Costner School for Acting and failed "Mastering Foreign Accents 101".And let's face it, if you FAILED that course, you're in rough shape. Mauritzo (sorry, don't know the guy's real name), Jack's friend, talks like Chef Boy Ardi, "Heya thera Jacka...you wanna somma meatballs? Maybe a later we coulda playa somma bocci ball ah on a the decka...hunh?... Jacka? Why a you ah no ah answerah meah?... Jacka?... Huh?" Then there's the fightin' Irish boy...is this guy related to one of Dr. Evil's henchmen in Austin Powers? I don't remember his name, but we’ll call him Lucky...too trite?...okay...Tam...O'something or another. All of that aside, I loved every minute of this movie. I actually found myself asking Jack or Rose to say the words, "I Love you." I was entwined in the love story and engulfed in the sorrow of the disaster. Sorry to disappoint you folks, this has just been another positive review of Titanic. I really wanted to hate it...really I did.