Written by capnasty

Who ever said Microsoft is bad? As usual, on my work account Ireceived a spam. Only thing that this one has a return address onthe Microsoft Network (MSN.COM). The spam gladly stated that if Iwanted to buy 3 million e-mail addresses (of which two of those aremine I bet) I could simply write to `shopmarket@msn.com'. I forwardedthe e-mail to the postmaster of MSN.COM and expected an immediateautomatic reply. The reply came, however it was an actual human being.The person apologized for the misconduct of their user and promised totake action against them. I must admit I was quite impressed.

After having watched "The Replacement Killers" and realizing what apiece of shyte it all was, we were all kind of disappointed in how wehad wasted money to see it. Fortunately Bennett, the most positive ofthe group, pointed out that it was indeed better than "The Crow: Cityof Angels" and that we should be grateful there was at least a hint ofa plot although surrounded by rather unrealistic bad shooting. What Imean for unrealistic is when there is a bad guy hosing down a smallJapanese car with an M-16 and the driver is safely protected behind thethin glass windshield. In another scene, a woman is backing out of aparking spot in a big Chevrolet Yukon, and the bullets enter thevehicle and turn her to shreds. Chow Yum Fat gives us a bigacademy-winning face of a man in shock when he looks at the dead womanin the truck. Apparently this is something he likes to do in most ofhis films as I had the chance to find out. I rented one of his earliermovies from a small Chinese video store. I asked the woman behind thecounter who handed me a tape that looked as legal as a three dollarbill: "Is this movie in English?" "English? Ahhh.. noo, movie in Chinese! But it's subtitled!"If you go and rent a movie from a small Chinese video store looking foran early movie of Chow Yun Fat make sure you ask in what language theyare subtitled: mine were in Korean apparentely.

Anyway, the movie was titled "The Killer" and it stars Chow Yun Fat asa killer named Achoo. I figured this out because whoever kept onyelling this for too long, he would turn around and shoot them.About thirty seconds into the movie suddenly Achoo pulls out the gunsand starts to kill an incredible amount of people for no apparentreason. He even takes two bullets to save a girl, who he blinds witha shot and becomes her lover. Chow Yun Fat made my eyes moist with hisfacial expression of pain realizing he has ruined the girl's vision.After a while bullets are taken out of Achoo's back, and we are nowintroduced to this policeman who tries to get a deal going, fails,and starts to chase the criminal in downtown Hong Kong. One thing Inoticed about this movie is that whoever is scheduled to die is dressedin white. Many civilians dressed in white are killed as the two dishit out on a streetcar. After a while, the camera zooms on a littlegirl, dressed in white, and you guessed it, she gets shot. Achoograbs the little girl and rushes her to the hospital where they areable to restore her to perfect health no matter how many M-16 roundshave gone through her body.

Then, for a long time nothing happens.

I'm not sure why, but Achoo and the cop become friends, because bothlost dear friends to this common criminal. This causes them to seeksome terrible revenge against this guy and they kill an incredibleamount of bad people. They come from the doors, the windows, thebasement. For a minute I felt like I was playing something on thePlaystation.

At the end, there are long slow-motion scenes of Chow Yun Fat dyeing andthe cop who is now his friend screaming "Achoooooo!!!!". He blows thebad guy away, drops on his knees and the credits start rolling up.There are some really funny moments where everyone is laughing in themovie, but I seem to miss the humor. I'll probably go rent a few morenow, and invite a few people over. Perhaps our collective minds canfigure out the plot a bit more and after all.. it's just too muchfun watching the shooting parts.

Lastly, I owe apologies to a dietician. Somehow one of my articlesfrom a previous issue written in a state of mind nowhere close tonormal got to her and she wasn't quite impressed. So to avoid herkilling me next time I bump into her, I'll apologize: so.. uh. really, you areincredibly attractive and beautiful. I had just forgotten my glasseshome. Yeah. That's it.

Have a good one folks.