lairotide - (n) pr: leitoraide / Discarded commercial chemical products, off-specification species, container residues, and spill residues thereof. Action (spill): a severe cut of the lairotide. Diversity: the spelling of "Editorial" backwards.
WELCOME TO Capital of Nasty. Last time in CoN I had the chance to introduce ASK CoN. You, the readership, provide us with questions that no one seems to be able to answer. So here is Rik's dilemma for this week:
I have a question that maybe some of you can answer. If Dale Winton (or any other talk show host for that matter, especially as most of you don't know who Dale Winton is) were in fact a cat, how would they hold the cards with the questions on? cats have no opposable thumbs, so they couldn't hold them like us. would he/she hold it with both paws though that would probably obscure some of the writing. maybe they could have blu-tak on their paws, so they can pick up the card like that. what do you think?
please send me your thoughts
I have no idea who Dale Winston is, but he's probably the British version of our Jerry Springer. Now, let's see, what would the show be like if Jerry Springer was actually a cat? Well, I don't think there would be a show to begin with. Yes, I admit the fact that cats don’t speak English too well, but the truth is different. You see, cats are smarter than us, they got it all worked out. Want to know the meaning of life? Ask a cat. He gets up, eats, sleeps, goes out and comes back whenever it wants. It doesn't matter how late he came back home the night before, he doesn't have to go to work tomorrow. In fact, all a cat has to do is rub their face against our legs so we feel appreciated by our feline friends and we feed them. And of course a cat doesn't know what commitment is, doesn't have to worry about taxes or mortgages. So I suppose a cat would be just fine without opposable thumbs, since they don't have to sign for the checks at the end of the month.
My first and last apology of the week goes to Danielle who complained about my whining that nobody reads my editorials:
Okay...I just have to reply to this one. Your buddy Dave that wrote in is not the only person that reads your "boring editorials." I actually find them to be quite entertaining and it is always refreshing and interesting to see another person's point of view. Especially as someone as sarcastically funny as you are. I've told you guys before that I do indeed enjoy your zine and I guess I just felt the urge to do so again. I hope you are all well in your daily lives. Keep up the great work.
I'm glad to know that my stuff is somewhat funny, considering that usually I am either sleeping when I'm writing or looking in the gutter for something to patch the holes. By the way, I'm such and tired of receiving all this friggen' complains in my mailbox. Any e-mail I receive that is clearly a statement to the glory of whining, will be forwarded directly to Lilith DemHareIs. `Tis a warning.
ON THIS DAY, IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD.
Mark Cidade (Fenderson status pending), God of Atheism and Keeper of the Glub writes in regard of those two complainers that sobbed about my custom header:Instead of writing "In the Year of Our Lord" for quoting e-mail, you can just stick to A.D. which means exactly the same thing (anno Domini) but people like those cool dudes that complained use it all the time and don't seem to have a problem with it for some reason. You can probably get away with "Sew-and-Sow wrote this on When-and-win, 1998 anno Domini" and they'll think it's just some nifty Latin term, like, reductio ad absurdum. Or you can use the Julian date, so today would be 2450844 (number of days since Jan. 1st, 4713 B.C.). Or you can use stardates like in Star Trek! "On [-30]0636.80, Lt. Commander Leandro logged:"... But the coolest calendar to use is that given to us by the Goddess, Eris: the Discordian calendar, which makes today Sweetmorn, Chaos 31, 3164.
Or just stick with Year of Our Lord and fuck 'em.
Julian Day Numbers:
- ID: 170
- Type: 2
- Title: Lairotide
- Author: capnasty
- Author ID: 0
- Date Posted: 1998-02-09 01:00:00