Voice mail hell

Written by capnasty

Good Morning. Bonjour.

Ici/Welcome to Conglomerated Amalgamated Industries. For service in French press 1. For service in English, press 2.

If you know the extension of the person you are calling, enter it now. If you know the name of the person you are calling, spell it now using the touch tone pad of your telephone located directly in front of your viewing area on your personal hand set and you will be given his/her extension. If you know the department you are calling, please spell it now using the touch tone pad and you will be given the central number of the voice mail servicing that specific profit centre.

If you do not know the name, number or department you are calling, please call again after you have had a chance to gather your thoughts and regain some focus. If you still want to stay on the line please press 4 for more options.

If, for some reason, this call is important to you and you would like to leave a message for this special individual whose name, number and department currently escapes you, please press 6 for our advanced search options.

If you know his six-digit birth date, press 5. If you know his 11-digit provincial health card number, press 8. If you know his 17-digit Vehicle Identification Number, press 9.

If you are calling to register a complaint, please enter your 27-digit personal access code printed in Braille in the lower right corner of your quarterly statement. Your call will be taken by the next available corporate therapist, who will attempt to navigate the Rubik's Cube of your convoluted thought processes in an effort to unearth the personal demons that are causing you to drag everyone
down into your own private hell.

Please stay on the line to maintain priority.

We appreciate your patience.