a tutorial

Written by Lord Lansdowne

Welcome to yet another issue of Capital of Nasty. In this issue we will look on how to get back at those people that did something against us on purpose.

A word about revenge: it's not the right thing to do. Although it feels mighty good to hurt someone who has hurt us, it makes us just as low as them. Like spamming, when a spammer sends you e-mail, and you flood him back, you are wasting bandwidth. Unless you're someone like me.

The following are techniques which will assure you plenty of evil laughs while avoiding any blame to be directed at you. I think that mental pain is much more satisfying, no matter how much a person deserves to have his knee-caps shattered.

Although we let anger take over us and we want to immediately retaliate to the punk, we could also put ourselves in a lot of danger by doing something stupid. "Revenge is a plate best served cold". Let your anger cool down, and regain control of yourself.

As Mark Twain tells the story of the missionary who was captured by cannibals, "they listened very carefully to every word he said. Then, they ate him."

The point is that you shouldn't let the fuse of your bomb burn out before the bomb has detonated.

6 Easy Steps for a Succeful Revenge:

Before you start your revenge, there is one particular thing we have to be made aware of: not getting caught. Don't think of the punk that did you wrong as a victim. Think of him as an evil entity, as a bully, as someone who deserves the punishment. After all, we're on a mission from God.

1 Prepare a plan:

The Sicilians are people that plan their revenge, instead of letting ire be their judgement. Sit down, plan everything. What you'll need, where you'll go, what is going to happen. Try to imagine what you'll do in case you get caught, what you are going to say. If you have everything planned, and something goes wrong, you won’t panic. You'll have a basic idea on what to do.

2 Gather Intelligence

Create your own espionage centre. Start collecting information about your target. What are his habits? Get to know him. The more time involving your attack is going to be, the more information you should gather. Before you start to spy, make a list of the things you think you should know before engaging on the retaliation. Plenty of information can be found in your target's garbage. By law, once the garbage has been left outside, it is okay for you to pick it up.

3 Buy supplies away from home

If you require any material or supplies or some particular service, make sure you purchase away from where you live. Buy what you need far in advance and pay in cash. Credit cards can be traced back. Don't be too noticeable. Try to be as inconspicuous and colorless as possible. Don't talk to people unless you have to. In other words, try to be "just another face", and prevent people from remembering you.

4 Don't let the world know

Although this might sound stupid, some people have the bad habit of telling others of who is doing what. This is because they feel extremely clever, without realizing that they are jeopardizing their entire operation. Although you might be tempted to share with others your keen plan, a secret between three people is best kept when two of them are dead.

5 Deny everything

If you are accused, act shocked and surprised. Even hurt, and outraged. You could even pretend in the beginning not to understand what the person is accusing you of. Depending on the situation, use what is more appropriate, but make sure you deny everything.

6 Don't leave traces

Accidentally you might leave a trail that will lead the authorities right at your front door. Don't tell anyone of your plan, unless it is an implicated accomplice. If you have to use the phone, don't use yours. There are plenty of public phones, and make sure you pick one away from your home. Don't leave fingerprints. Wear gloves. Let some time go by before you put your plan into action, or your target will figure out too easily that it has been you repaying his dirty trick. This also means that you should not warn your victim of something you will do to them, by dropping little hints. In case the authorities DO drop by your house, make sure you don't have any evidence visibly lying around. If you printed out this issue, feed it to the fire once you're done reading it.

I hope this has provided you with a basic tutorial on how to plan and put the perfect revenge into action. I think there is nothing better than causing havoc with some punk's life without them knowing who did it. Mrs. Helen Fostaty used to tell me in my High School: "If you have to be bad, be good at it."

If you need some further help in creating your perfect revenge, you can consult the books written by George Hayduke: "MAKE MY DAY! Hayduke's best revenge techniques for the punks in your life." Even if you are not planning a revenge, they are humorous enough to keep you entertained (and make you walk around with an evil smirk on your face).