Marvelous: Anarchia in the Cheap Coffee Shops

Written by capnasty

People that call themselves anarchists seem to be more interested in going against the government, fighting against society's strict rules.Or at least, so they claim, since in reality their "anarchy" is word-based with a complete lack of action. However the true anarchist will always find a reason to cause havoc even in the least expected of places. Cheap coffee shops are a good example. Who would've ever thought of committing acts of anarchy in such a place?

Terrorism in the cafe

After a night at the movies or at dinner, we enjoy retreating withour friends (friends that look apparently normal, but that deep inside seem to suffer from the same mental instability that you to have) to acafe or coffee shop so that we may chat and wind down before going home.We try to choose our coffee shop carefully. One that is too loud,pretentiously artsy, or full of cigarette smoke is not our cup of tea.

While we try our best to avoid the dives, we sometimes get burned by Cafe Marvelous. A Cafe Marvelous is the epitome of a horror shop: dark,dirty, bad food and, like any place that is open 24 hours a day, there is always some loud, obnoxious freak sitting in some corner.

The first step involves finding a place to seat. Pick one close enough to the biggest bunch of yuppies that you can find. If you can block their way out by moving tables and chairs in order for everyone of your group to sit down, even better. They will be forced to ask you to please move (unless they will just stand there patiently hoping that you will move, but if that's the case, just pretend you're blind). As you talk among yourselves, burst out laughing as you take an occasional glimpse behind you.

All that laughing probably made you thirsty, and probably hungry.Why not order something? As you stand in front of the counter, talk to everyone around you, crack jokes about the food, change signs, move things around and make sure you unscrew the sugar cap. As soon as the person behind the counter asks you what you would like, start staring endlessly at the list placed behind them and making constant "hmmm.." sounds.

The Yuppier the cafe`, the fancier the names of their products. A coffee with milk will be more fancifully called "cafe` au lait", so ask for it with the anglais name, looking very serious. "Anything else?". What a brilliant idea. Why not? Take a look at their cakes, and make sure you pick the one that is both uncut and at the farthest, most unreachable corner of the glass shelving. This will cause a pleasant delay behind you, making all those yuppies very nervous, as the poor guy tries his best to get the cake without falling on the other ones. Think of the effects if everyone else in your group picks an uncut cake.

Now you have to understand that we pick only uncut cakes for these simple reasons: the cake might be old, but at least the frosting acts like a sort of seal, preventing the precious humidity from leaving, any bacteriological life form would be stuck in that frosting and happily die, and last but not least, we just like uncut cakes.

Stale Cake: dab the base of your paper drinking cup into the icing of your cake and fasten the cup upside down under your table. If you have a glass or ceramic cup and the cake?s icing is very dry and sticky, all the power to you. The proprietor will be most embarrassed if the cup falls and another customer sits down and rubs his or her knee against the icing.

Dirty water-- I mean, coffee: for some odd reason the coffee always tastes as if you are drinking dirty, warm water. It smells okay, yet the more you drink it, the less you are convinced of what you are drinking. Since the chairs are black, pour the nasty liquid in the chairs, and place the chairs back under the table. If one of those yuppie guys walks in with his girlfriend, they'll be more interested in looking at her than to the pool of delicious coffee they are about to introduce to their pants.

Assemble all the cutlery, waste paper and litter on the table into a giant, unstable, structure, similar to a house of cards. Although now our Fascist Department of Health of the Ontario Government has forbidden smoking in bars and coffee shops and will fine you if caught smoking besure to include all the ashtrays from neighbouring vacant tables. A bit of the cake frosting to keep the structure together will prevent some random vibration to cause the entire structure to collapse.

Take your napkin and dip part of it in some liquid (such as the coffee that was too stale to drink) and hang the napkin halfway over the candle in the middle of the table (leave the premises immediately).