Transit Tales

Written by Lord Lansdowne

It seems that each time I take the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission) something happens. I was thinking of how handy this was, for it gave me something to write about inside of CoN. I should've kept my mouth shut, because thanks to the "Interesting Life Curse" I seem to have (will explain in another issue), I was stuck in the subway for 45 mins, staring at this gentleman's armpit (it had some remarkable brain damaging side effects, but that's another story as well).

I was returning from the office, thinking of what to write in this issue (yes, I think. Isn't that amazing? My girlfriend might say something different about that, but hey, this will be another story as well). I'm standing by the bus stop, and I enter the bus-shelter, because its a little cold. I notice this man walking towards the bus-stop, clean shaved, well dressed, with a beer belly. He looks at me, and shouts as ifI was on the other side of the street rather then in front of him: "I can't believe how cold it is!"

"Yeah.." I just say, and start looking at the end of the street to see if a bus was coming.

"You know" he went on "when I used to be a kid, 15 years ago, it was much warmer than this, this time of the year".

"I guess..." I said.

I looked at him. He seemed a lot older to have been a kid just 15 years ago. I quickly looked elsewhere. His eyes had this psychotic feel to them that kind of scared me.

"You know" he said again "this is happening because the planets are moving farther and farther away from the sun".

"Yeah, well, the universe is constantly expanding, but I'm sure that pollution has something to do with it and.." I tried to explain, not even sure why I was talking, perhaps to calm myself down.

"No! No! No!" he shouted "you see, the planets" and with a dime in his hand he began drawing on the glass "they are not spinning around the sun in circles, but they are using ellipses! So they are moving farther and farther apart. The Earth will become like Mars, and we'll have to take starships to fly to Venus which will be habitable again!"

"Oh-.. yeah, of course" this guy forgot to eat the pudding I think.

"See, the government is trying to build spaceships before this planet becomes too inhabitable, because we are moving away from the sun. That's why they are funding all this space projects, and who knows how many things they don't tell us!"

I was captured by a sudden burst of rejoice when I saw the bus arriving."So, " I dared to ask "when are we moving to Venus? No, just that I want to make sure that I have my bags ready before I do"

"You wont be able to carry much" he whispered "because the government will turn everyone into their mindless army. Those bastards. They are all a bunch of assholes..!"

The bus stopped and I quickly hopped on board, making sure I would find a single seat, to prevent the freak to sit near me. The schizo went to seat in the back and started torturing some poor bastard who just kept on saying "".

I guess I was wondering how it was possible that the world has people that will kill themselves over such dumb things like space ships,but I guess that after that episode, I have no more doubts: the world is a crazy place. No, I mean more then you might think.

Does this mean I am normal?