Ten The Empire Strikes Back Scenes That Could Have Gone Differently

Written by Marco Tabini

Star Wars is a cool story, but sometimes it makes you wonder about what is going on, really. I had this strange feeling especially when Darth Vader says to the Emperor "My son is here. I have felt him." Because we're geeks and we had nothing better to do at work than waste time thinking this stuff up, we thought we'd share in our madness.

I mean, come'on, Luke is but a kid, don't go around saying that you are feeling him. All the officers would start talking behind Vader's back going "don't stand too close to him, or he's gonna feel you...".

1? What's with Vader's gadgets on his stomach? Blinking lights of
different colors.. did you ever wonder what they were for?

[VADER]? Admiral, [breathing] set a course for the Koth System [breathing]

[ADMIRAL]? Yes, Lord Vader.

[VADER]? And, Admiral, [breathing] stop playing Master Mind on my Life Support System! [breathing]

[ADMIRAL]? Sorry, Milord
[Clicks a couple of buttons on Vader's chest apparatus]

2? Darth Vader talks to the Emperor

[ADMIRAL]? Milord, the Emperor is asking to talk to you, now.

[VADER]? [breathing] Admiral, move the ship out of the asteroid field, so that we can provide a clear signal. [breathing]

[VADER in the comm chamber, moves to the comm area and bends on his knee]

[VADER]? What is thy bidding, [breathing] my master?

[SYNTH VOICE]? Thank you for calling the Emperor; I am sorry, but I cannot take your holographic image right now, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Your holographic image is important to us.

3? Darth Vader kills the second admiral. The poor bastard hadn't
really failed Vader, but I bet he killed him just to teach a lesson to the other officers who were making bets on when was the last time Vader got laid.

[VADER]? [breathing] You have failed me for the last time. [breathing]

[The admiral chokes, falls to the ground and dies]

[VADER]? [breathing] [breathing] Next, please!

4? Vader nominates the third admiral

[VADER]? [breathing] Don't fail me again, [breathing] Admiral.

[The officers turns, looks around]

[ADMIRAL]? Shit!

5? The Dark Side's Nest

[YODA]? That place is strong with the dark side of Force. [Pause] You must go, Luke.

[LUKE turns around]

[LUKE]? Are you nuts? Why don't *you* go in there, Kermit?

6? The Millennium Falcon disappears. The Admiral must've been shitting
his pants just about now.

[Silence, everybody looks around. The Admiral sweats. VADER looks out of the window, then turns, then looks out again]

[VADER]? [breathing] [breathing] [breathing] FUCK! [breathing] [breathing] [breathing]

[VADER goes out of the set]

7? Vader vs. Skywalker

[VADER]? The force is strong with, young Skywalker, [breathing] but you are not a Jedi yet. [breathing]

[LUKE stops.]

[LUKE]? Oh yeah? And what about you, you big Meccano? Dressed all in black with a long dark cape.. uhhhh, I'm so scared!! Look at me, I'm scared!

[VADER]? Stop it Luke. [breathing] Stop pretending you are scared of me.

[LUKE]? Oh no!! Dark Vader is so big and strong. Help me! He's coming to get me!! Uhhhh..!

8? Solo's Frozen Balls

[Princess Leia kisses Luke to show Han she doesn't care about him]

[HAN]? [To Luke]: Take it easy

[What went through his mind: <>]

9? R2 dee two?

[R2D2] [Whistle] [Beep] [Whistle] [Double Beep] [Intense Whistle]

[Luke, Han, Chew Bacca and C3PO, all together]

[LUKE]? Yes, R2, I think you're right, we should attack from the left flank.


[CHEW BACCA]? UHN! BAAAAAAARK! GLOOOOOOB! [Spitting all over the place] GNUAAAAAA!

[C3PO]? You slept with the garbage can???? [Pause] What's it like?

10? The Big Finale

[LUKE's got a new hand. Everybody's happy and looks out of the window. Suddenly, a bad servomechanism noise starts going. Luke looks embarassed and tries to hide his right hand.]

[LEIA]? Luke, are you all right?

[LUKE]? Damn! My middle finger's jammed again! Shit! HEY, YOU BINHEAD OF A ROBOT, COME HERE, YOU BASTARD!