Positive Anarchy

Written by Lord Lansdowne

So here we are again, late as usual, and this magazine is deteriorating into what I would call a demented collection of things which are relatively funny. Friday night, after coming out of the movie theatre, we stopped at a coffee shop. Someone said that he could count serious articles that appeared on CoN on one hand. I looked at his hand and he had four fingers up. "I have cramps" he explained "I can't bring those four fingers down".

Well, it's true. CoN just simply isn't. It's something which people might look at you weird and for politeness they say "oh, isn't that nice.." but hey, what am I supposed to do? You think it's easy to think of something new each week? I know that's a rethorical question, but I still feel the need to answer it: no, it's not. Much of what gets written here is a recollection of the exciting events that take place in life. Not a lot happens sometimes.

To be honest, I was hoping for something exciting this week. For example, my co-worker and I, while stocking the shelves, were fantasizing that someone would rob the store on Sunday. Somehow, and all without getting killed, and thanks to our extensive part-time ninja training, the robber would have been neutralized.

Later that night, we would've been on the eight o'clock news mentioned as heroes that saved the life of the cashier taken hostage. Oh, and when asked, we would definitely not answer with that geeky "oh, I just did what everyone else would've done".. bullshit!

I'd probably say, "I was sick and tired of putting up the cheese and convincing people that I did not work here that when the chance came to show that I am not just another ordinary grocery clerk but a part-time ninja hiding in his sleek grocery clerk uniform, well, I took it!".

This is instead what happened:

Customer runs out of the store with a basket full of stuff. Someone from cash 1 casually points this out to us, in a matter-of-fact life-goes-on type of tone. Me and the biggest guy I could find in the produce department chase after him. We catch up to him and, since I had no idea what to say to him, I ask: "uh..scusme sir, do you have a receipt for that?"

The very big, very strong looking shoplifter gives me a look of death and simply answers: "no...".

"*gulp* ehmmm...." I say scratching my head. Usually I'm fed a dozen weird excuses.

Obviously sensing our confusion and with places to be, the shoplifter asks, "Do you want this back?" he went on, pointing at the basket.

"Uh, sure" I said "thanks".

The very big, very strong looking shoplifter began walking away from us.

"Ahem, sir, you'll have to come with us" I dared.

"No I don't" and he kept going.


The rest of the day was an exciting retelling of how we caught the guy but decided, in our enormous generosity, to let him go with just a slap on his hand and a warning. The other guys patting us on the back, the cashiers looking at us with dreamy eyes. Hey, I only did what everyone else would've done in a similar situation...