Writing an e-zine

Written by capnasty

The reason we started writing this zine was for fun, for the intention that one day we'd go public, and most of all because it's cool to be able to say "Hey, I got a web site!". That was 1994, and now in 1997 we kind of have something that we call an e-zine which is distributed and that nobody reads, and when I say "I got a web site!" some people still look at me funny and say "Wuz that?". The stuff that gets published here is usually stolen from some other magazine, borrowed from someone, and if it's not written by us, by some kind and gentle contributor that feels sorry for us.Even I, as Editor in Chief, don't read some of the things that get published here. Take for example that "Fascism & Communism" in our last issue. Who read that shit anyway? It was long and boring just to look at.

Writing CoN is a torture, especially when I come back home on a Sunday night, after having worked all day, and having spent the night with my girlfriend. It's 2 AM and you are stretching your toes and you think "ahww, shit, I forgot to do CoN". Thank God for electronic media. All I have to do is cut and paste some stuff, put it together, call it CoN and mail it. Sometimes, if I am fried enough (after inhaling too much of the gases produced by the bacteria that grows in the creamery support room), I manage to write something. Although what I write usually makes no sense (ie. "hard day at no frills") and my spelling goes on vacation (embarrassing to see what I wrote afterwards), I am surprised nobody tells me to go back to Grade 9 English.

Depending on the type of magazine you intend to write, you'll need to remove or add certain amounts of your brain. If you want to write the "Miracle of Saint Joseph Newsletter of the Roman Catholic Church of Saint Martin in the Fields", you'll require a much more professional English. Special care must be placed in wording things correctly to avoid offending people. Also you'll have to make sure that your readers and contributors follow the etiquette of your zine.

If you write stuff like CoN, and you just underwent a lobotomy, your material will probably improve in quality. If you are worried that any of the things you might say will offend some of your PC readers, you will certainly be rid of them after a few issues. Who needs letters from readers that give negative criticism instead of constructive one anyway?

Find a manifesto for your e-zine, something for what your magazine is fighting for, or supporting. However I don't think it's really that necessary, for CoN at the moment exists but nobody really knows what purpose it has. It would help if you don't have a life, because it will give you a lot of time to sit down and design your magazine, write articles (instead of doing them at work like I am now). A girlfriend is out of the question completely because then you'll start postponing everything important, just think what could happen to your magazine. I mean, look at me, I'm supposed to mail this thing out at 12:01AM every Monday morning.. how many times have I been successful? Not many.

Another important thing you'll need is readers. Without them, your zine is useless. If you post your zine on alt.ezines, you'll be lucky if you get one or maybe two subscribers. Just grab everyone's e-mail address you have collected over the years, and send it to them. Doesn't matter if they complain, ask to be removed, threaten to kill you. It just shows that people appreciate what you are writing anyway. What you should be worried about is people that never say a thing.

Lastly, you'll be forced to learn/improve the English language (or whatever language you are publishing your media in). This will allow you to develop a beter speling, a miuch moor interesting way of writing things in order hence and therefore and here and there again to make whatever and so forth you are writing much more intelligible and interesting. And lets not forget that concluding conclusions which are the vital part of an article. So like, this is the end.