Back in the infancy of GotW, our beloved leader published Group of the Week Number 1, "How To Terrorize An Ice Cream Parlor". This in our humble estimation, was the start of an era. But the time for the simple niceties of anarchy are gone, and while the original article was fine for the up and coming anarchist, we feel that it is now time for a more advanced, and up-to- date guide to the wrecking of mass hysteria and utter chaos in a dairy food establishment. We mean to show you that you can up the cause of anarchy and get a double scoop of Tutti-Frutti at the same time.
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For the purposes of this article, we are only going to describe how to terrorize a Baskin Robins, for that is where we sent our young acolytes to do the field testing on our information. We believe that the following information will hold to be true for most ice cream parlors. We, however, do NOT take any responsibility for those of you who wish to try our methods out in either frozen custard or frozen yogurt parlors. In our estimation, only effeminate, pablum-puking, right-wing, public domain using, Dan Quayle supporting people would eat the following items willingly. Besides, we didn't have any in the area to test the ideas out on.
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On to the good stuff... Of course, your first responsibility should be to get rid of the zit-faced, under-aged counter worker. And of course, we here at GotW have, at great expense and indigestion to ourselves, have researched this method till we were bursting with strawberry cheesecake swirl.
We guarantee that this method is, by government standards,100% foolproof. And with the talented fools down at the government, this means that, when you go to try it, anything goes.
First, ask the counter person for an ice cream cone. Nothing yanks their chain like someone just asking for an ice cream cone.When they ask you for the flavor you wish to ingest, ask them what they've got.
Of course, by now they're going to get a little upset because the sign with all 30- odd flavors is on the wall behind their head. Make it a point to say that you've forgotten your glasses and have them read the entire list of ice-cream to you. After the first recital, make sure to point out to the helpful young salesperson, that unfortunately, you are also a little hard of hearing, and would they mind repeating the list again. By this time, the counter person will be screaming the list in you ear. See, your already causing disorder, and we've barely gotten started. Who knew chaos could be so fun?
Next, say you can't make up your mind, and would they mind terribly to give you a taste spoon of one flavor. Now, to the unenlightened. A taste spoon is one spoonful of one flavor which they have to give to you free. Make sure to make the counterperson give you a spoonful of each of the 30-odd flavors. By this time, the counter-person is going to be less than pleased with your presence at the counter and you'll probably have started a line backed up behind you.
Nice job! Keep up the good work! Now from this point on you have two choices. The first is to thank the young person for all his help, but point out to him that you are either allergic to ice cream and forgot about it, or have a big dinner and don't want to ruin your appetite. By this time, you should run for your life because after wasting all the person's valuable time, he probably will be coming after you trying to kill you with an ice cream scoop. For the second, more satisfying choice, read on......
By this time, you've got 30-odd little purple plastic spoons in your pocket, and a salesperson bent on mild hysteria, so let's give the guy a little leave way, tell him you want vanilla. Now, the normal person would be happy that you just made a choice, but not so here. After going through 30-odd flavors, he would have expected you to pick an exotic flavor like raspberry mucusripple, but nooooooooo, you had to pick plain vanilla. This is guaranteed to blow a few fuses in the poor guy's head. But, right now, he's figuring he's on the home stretch. How wrong the poor fool is....
Next, he'll ask what sort of cone you want.
Use the patented answer, "Ice Cream." Remember, this is serious business, so no laughing. After hitting his head against the counter, he'll say, of course ice cream, but what kind. Say "crunchy." By now, the guy should be in a mild hysteria, we're halfway there. He'll probably go into the back room and scream for a moment (hmmmmm, that's why they call it an "I scream parlor"), and come out and ask you whether you want a plain cone or a sugar cone. Just take a moment and remark on how wonderful it is that they were able to make a cone out of sugar. Isn't technology wonderful? By this time, he'll give you a plain cone whether you want it or not. Next he'll ask you how many scoops you want. Make it a point to tell the poor fool that you came here for ice cream, and not scoops. Had you wanted scoops, you would have gone to a hardware store. He'll utter a strangled cry of despair and ask how many lumps of ice cream you want on your cone. (We've now just about broken his spirit, we're just about there!) Answer "Two." He'll stand there in stunned silence. He'll be expecting a stupid response. He'll say, "Is that it?" Make sure to say yes. He'll laugh and make jubilant noises and tell you that the total price will be $1.35 and hand you your cone. Rummage around in your pocket for a moment and say "I'm sorry. I only have a dollar. Besides, I think I'd rather have a single scoop,chocolate on a sugar cone." This'll be all he can take and he'll vault the counter screaming hysterically at the top of his lungs. You've completed the first half of the plan.
So now we've gotten rid of the counter help, but to finish our master plan for anarchy, we must work quickly before the replacement comes. Vault the counter and empty the cash register. (We always need money for our other anarchial affairs. Besides send a little to the poor schmuck you sent to the sanatarium.) Then switch all the little signs designating types of ice cream in the counter window. What fun you'll have watching the fights break out between customer and help when the customer points to strawberry and asks for vanilla and the customer tells him he's wrong. Change all the prices on the board and send all of yourfriends over. The help never remembers the prices, so it's .20shakes for all. Also switch all the topping containers and putmud in the hot fudge dispenser. If you're in a particularly evil mood, throw exlax instead of mud in the hot fudge. Not only will the sundaes taste good, they'll clean you out too.....
Also, replace the mocha flavored ice cream with Folger's crystals. They'll never know the difference. Other nasty things to do include: Breaking all the silly purple spoons in half, punching holes in the bottom of the paper drink cups, turning the freezers off (ice cream soup, anyone?), and setting fire to the silly paper napkins that couldn't wipe a roach's ass much less your chin. Also make sure to take their entire supply of paper-coated straws. That way you can tear the very tops of them off,and blow little paper missles at everyone there by creating moreof that oh-so-welcome havoc we know and love.
So ends our advanced tutorial. We have come the full circle by bringing back to you an updated version of an old classic. Watch for other great ways to create anarchy, along with other tips for life. So we close this latest episode of GotW with the question,"If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?"