Sip a frappuccino while visiting Uncle Joe's casket. According to this article on CNN, the Robinson Funeral Home in Easley, South Carolina, will be adding a discreet Starbucks to its line of services. "When people have visitations, people come out and support families," said Robinson, general manager and vice president of Robinson Funeral Home. "This is another way to do that."
Girlfriend Jeans Worn by Hipsters Cause Testicular Pain. This is only making the news because troves of idiots are wearing skin-tight jeans in the name of fashion and are now finding themselves with a plethora of testicular pains: twisted testicles, bladder weakness and even urinary tract infections. If that wasn't enough to make you want to wear track pants, tight jeans are also responsible for low sperm count and fungal infections. Rawr, hipster, you're so hot, suffering through all of that to be fashionable. On the bright side, this may mean that the group will simply vanish from being unable to reproduce.
Hilary Clinton Drives Through a Storm of Shoes and Tomatoes Thrown by Crowd Yelling, "Monica, Monica, Monica!". Reportedly, the U.S. Secretary of Stat ewas in the city to answer critics who believe Washington has taken sides in Egyptian politics.
The Douche Burger: Wrapped in Money and Costing $666. According to The Daily Beast, the 666 Burger food truck has the most expensive menu item: the douche burger, which "consists of a fucking burger filled and topped with rich people shit. Kobe beef patty (wrapped in gold leaf), foie gras, caviar, lobster, truffles, imported aged gruyere cheese (melted with champagne steam) kopi luwak bbq sauce and Himalayan rock salt. It may not taste good, but it will make you feel rich as fuck. Douche." Reportedly, it is "fucking delicious."
Amazon aiming for same day delivery. Reportedly, online-retailer Amazon is spending millions to achieve same-day delivery. Reportedly, because now Amazon has to pay taxes like a regular store, it will be setting up shipping warehouses wherever it can with the sole intention to send your goods moments after you've paid for them online. Will this destroy local retail?
"Even if their face is a 7, their body is a 20." Olympians Have a Lot of Sex. In a nutshell: "Quickly the reality sinks in that the [Olympic] village is 'just a magical, fairy-tale place, like Alice in Wonderland, where everything is possible,' says Carrie Sheinberg, an alpine skier at the '94 Winter Games and a reporter for subsequent Olympics. 'You could win a gold medal and you can sleep with a really hot guy.'" Oh, remember the 2008 Olympics in China? Looking good...