Usama Bin Laden
Third cave from the right
Arid desert no-one bothered to name
Basil Baxter HQ, 01-06-2006
FROM THE DESK OF BASIL BAXTER
RE: Your request for an alliance with Basil Baxter.
Thank you for your interest in joining Basil Baxter on his drive to purge the world of all that possesses life. Your kind letter has brightened Basil Baxter's day. Basil Baxter Loves You. Unfortunately Basil Baxter almost never, if ever at all, accepts kind offers such as yours. Basil Baxter seeks and selects Basil Baxter's own allies based on arcane criteria only Basil Baxter himself knows. This instance is not an exception, Basil Baxter is sorry to inform you. Basil Baxter wishes you all the best in your search for suitable allies, Basil Baxter understands your following has been dwindling of late.
Regarding your request for armaments, Basil Baxter would like to comment that yes, indeed, Basil Baxter outbid you with the Ukrainians. Basil Baxter sees no injustice done and resents your implication that Basil Baxter now 'owes' you, or your cause. However, seeing as how the SS-20 missile you requested was airborne at the time of reading your missive, en-route to the Ninja headquarters, Basil Baxter has decided to let Basil Baxter's better nature prevail in this matter. In the spirit of camaraderie and honest competition, Basil Baxter has decided to grant you the loan of the SS-20 missile, and it's three 150 KT warheads. Its course has been altered to reflect the GPS coordinates you so kindly provided.
Given the inevitable discrepancy between the speed of an SS-20, Mod2, missile and the Royal Mail, you now should have taken possession of the missile. Basil Baxter hopes you find good use for it and regrets that Basil Baxter was unable to disarm the warheads prior to sending. Basil Baxter advises Iodine tablets and a brisk shower to ward off immediate and long-term effects.
The kindest of regards,
Basil Baxter Loves You.