Why they don't call
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Tuesday, February 1, 2005 (720/184)
ISSN 1482-0471
By REVSCRJ
Our prestigious editor in chief has asked me to put an article together on why-guys-don't-call-back from the guy's side of the argument. The funny is that I am being asked to speak for 49.6% of the Human Race when not only do I find myself estranged from all but a dozen or so of them. I often find myself saying "You have got to be fucking kidding me!" regarding behaviour... but I suppose I say "Well, that's just fucking typical" quite a bit as well..
So I am sitting here in front of the computer staring at the screen thinking things like:
"Because they have the attention spans of a fruit fly."
"If tits aren't present they only have white noise going on in their skulls."
And "Seven to ten numbers in a row are a lot to realistically ask one of them to remember."
I think "Mighty feminist, er, that is 'sexist' sounding..." but know that really I mean women are *just as capable* of intelligent behaviour as the men, the topic is only addressing the men however.
I decide to start off with what I know about people in general... As a safe bet, a rule-of-thumb: people are self possessed, process data slowly, forget quickly, are easily addicted, discard knowledge not used daily, would rather be told an answer than come to a conclusion, rarely know truly what they believe, equate effort with pain and pain with 'bad.' They are easily frightened (especially by change), violently resent that which makes them uncomfortable, would rather live a lie than to risk being judged harshly by their peers, are mind bogglingly lazy and will savagely destroy anything unfamiliar (unless its inside themselves, in which case they will attempt to ignore it out of existence).
If you understand these traits you can pretty well figure out most inexplicable fucked up behaviors on the part of the average person... I trail off there... The train of thought quickly wanders into how much of a prick I am ageing into and how it really doesn't bother me at all... I have a sudden suspicion that Leandro, knowing that my bitterness has only gotten more acidic, asked me specifically for that reason to write a piece around one of his ex's writings in hopes that I would shred it to a fine confetti-like mulch. It passes quickly. I figure he'd ask me to do just that if that was what he wanted, I am just wasting time avoiding writing... back to more lists...
Why don't guys call back the women they were so outwardly sweet on 'the other day'? God forbid I should speak for all guys, but I will make some guesses:
- He got laid. Objective completed. The sex was mediocre or bad. Why call back, when there are better/other mountains to climb? Notch marked on bedpost, end of story.
- He got laid. Objective completed. The sex was good or great. Like any intelligent person would do after shooting heroine for the first time to discover they like it so much that they could really see doing it every day, he made a vow to never do it again. It's the rare ex-alcoholic that can hang out in a bar.
- He didn't get laid, that's what he wanted, he tried really hard- lied through his teeth most of the night, pretended to care about all of her anecdotes and observation, and eventually came to the conclusion that 'this piece of ass is not worth this much effort' and gave up. Likely this happened during the "we were hitting it off so well" phase but, being very concerned about how he appears to people, he continued with the facade till the end of the eve rather than be honest and revealed as a bastard thus harming his reputation with her girlfriends, whom she will invariably tell about him.
- He didn't get laid, that was what he wanted, thus in an effort to potentially get laid in the future he left the potentials open and feeling very positive should he want to get back with her sometime. No need to burn a bridge when you might want to get up on in at a later date. Shortly thereafter came across someone better/easier/else and promptly forgot about the previous woman.
- Because of the basically fucked up game-oriented nature of human mating rituals he:
- became choked with self-doubt/loathing and gave up
- had a sudden fear-of-commitment burst (a burst because he cannot see his own being well enough to know its fundamental processes) either because of something she did/said, something that he suspects she will do/say or something that someone unrelated did/said in a previous relationship that he is relating to this one, which made him give up.
- has a basic pessimistic belief that love will never work out so enthusiasm petered out and he gave up.
- He did not put enough effort into remembering what lies he told her, either because he:
- misjudged her gullibility and was coasting that night of 'connection' therefore does not know what identity to use with her clearly enough to avoid having it collapse under scrutiny- better, he thinks, to just give up.
- has some shadow wraith of a conscience that occasionally sabotages his 'game' for the good of others, so with a hiss he skulks off cursing himself and gave up. Or
- is so confused by the mating game's rules, compounded with a conditioned poor self image, that the lieing is habitual but distasteful causing a vicious loop of 'scamming' and 'fleeing'- it is in everyone's best interest that he gives up.
Or:
- At some point he started to loathe her. 'Loathe' due to a lack of even the most surface self-awareness coupled with a deep cowardice and the ability to avoid thinking thoughts that are in any way uncomfortable he let a basic 'irritation' or 'annoyance' fester like a dark ages flesh wound until an emotional gangrene had set in and the limb had to be sawed off when ultimately a little basic 1st aid early on would have solved the whole thing.
At this point I pause and reread. "Damnit Sean, does your self-righteousness never end?" I say to the screen. It silently stares back. "Yeah, you're right. I should be more specific, more personal." I reply while silently thankful that only my schizophrenic downstairs neighbour hears these conversations.
So here is a few reasons I haven't called in the past:
- A sudden transformation in woman occurred when the dating crossed some invisible line in the emotional sand for her. She became clingy and tick-like in her need to suck both my time and emotional support. Where once being with her was respite, it became more like being buried alive. Color me gone like a bat out of hell.
- I discovered I really was only attracted to the novelty/concept of her and not her at all. Roll up the psyche's newspaper and SMACK "NO! BAD REV! BAD!"
- Something very integral to her personality, I discovered, was totally repulsive to me. Repulsive enough that I couldn't live with it and if I asked her to change, and she did, I wouldn't respect her, and she would likely resent me for it eventually or the relationship would turn master-slave- neither of which hold any attraction for me. I didn't even glance back.
- The image I had of her and the reality of her were miles apart. Ooops, lets just pretend this never happened, shall we?
No?
Okay, then I will.
- I realize that I only like her company in very small doses, which had been exceeded. That kind of thing can poison you on a person all of the sudden. "Look over there!" bolt opposite direction.
- Being neurotically solitary and obsessively artistic I need a lot time apart from everyone, including her. This made her to think we were *growing apart* thus prompting her to desperately try and get more 'quality time' out of me for the good of the relationship which caused me to reflexively need more of a volume of time away from her [repeat like feedback loop until:] Eventually I simply thought "WTF?!" and got all my time away from her. Freedom, like the feeling of a shower after weeks without one.
- I forgot her number and she never called back. Later, months later, I found out that she was not wanting to appear the 'weaker' of us by calling me and thus giving me so nebulous 'advantage' in the relationship. Upon hearing that logic I felt a deep gratitude for the pot I smoked in my youth that contributed to the short term memory loss that saved me from her games. Whole being "Whew"!
- She had another personality that she reserved for lovers, which was not the one displayed during friend/courtship. So the person I fell in love with disappeared only to be replaced with a 'familiar' stranger whom I found that I did not love. Quiet mourning for the death of a person I loved who was only a facade top to begin with.
- I confused kinship with love and proceeded to destroy that kinship by trying to deepen it. I cut my losses.
Or:
- Because she was so intoxicating to be around, so beautiful and fascinating I found myself needing her- craving her presence like the rise of hunger or want of sleep--such to the point that it caused me real pain when away from her. The only thing I could do was quit cold turkey.
Stupid?
Maybe--but I did circumvent a mountain of pain because of it.
I could go on, but the more that I do the more that I feel that aforementioned bitterness grow as I become rather repulsed by humanity and myself (yes, I view humanity and myself as two different subjects, don't you?). If I go on any more I might start getting really ugly. Well Leandro, writing this has killed any enthusiasm for romance I might have had for oooh probably the next few months, not to mention chances I might have with any woman who might stumble upon this piece.
Woe is me.
Bhwahaha... it just occurred to me that due to that affect, I will likely be happier in the long run! Bwhaha!
People suck.
Comments
21 comments found
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Another great piece Rev. It pretty much sums up everything up and it made me giggle like a little school girl.
I will highly recommend to anyone seeking a good tonic for the "dating game".
Rolo
Birth control comes in many forms, apparently I have become one of them.
*Rev stares blankly at eye damaging monitor unable to decide whether he is happy or disturbed by that*
<3
REVSCRJ
Hmm, I think we are onto something here.. Revscrj, the contraceptive of the future! Its funny, because you really don't look like a IUD or anything like that. Whats you're success rate in prevention?
Though I cant give you an exact number, I believe I rank right neck and neck with "having her hold a book between her knees".
<3
REVSCRJ
I was laughing the whole time I was reading this. This was great! Thanks.
However, it still doesn't touch on why some of our guys run so hot and cold. You know, the confusing manner of calling us one week, but not another.
Wow.
I am very impressed with how 'in touch' you seem to be with all this. It's very admirable and if I can say it - kind-of a turn on. I truly appreciate your insight and sincerity in all that you wrote. Thank you for the time you've devoted to this "issue" (Sean, is it?) and effort. It's much better to know all this, and I wish more guys had your fortitude. You have definitely set things straight for me. ;-) MANY THANKS
mid-thirties wrote:
It's very admirable and if I can say it - kind-of a turn on.
So much for REVSCRJ being a form of birth control.
leandro
>Thanks.
My pleasure.
Human nature, like a prat fall, is always good for a laugh.
>However, it still doesn't touch on why some of our guys run so hot and cold. You know, the confusing manner of calling us one week, but not another.>
A: they were doing things one week and not the next. Even if those things were playing playstation in their jockeys peppered with intermitant downloading of anime porn- they were things that don't include you and are far more enjoyed without you (no reflexive selfconsciousness brought on by someone thay feel they need to be impressive for)
-would be my guess.
<3 REVSCRJ
Wow.
>I am very impressed with how 'in touch' you seem to be with all this.>
Thank you, I have many more scars if you'd care to see them as well :)
>It's very admirable and if I can say it - kind-of a turn on.>
This reminded me (in a much milder way) of a performance poem I used to do called "Affairs of the Heartless" about an affair I had that cost me the relationship that was the most sucsessful I have ever had. The piece is selfmasticating, bitter, acidic, and filled with images of sexuality-as-disease-of-weakness (because of the context). Never have I performed anything that got me more of a flirtatious reaction out of women than that. Its an ugly piece and yet it made women walk by me and put their phone number in my pocket- stuff like that. WHY? I used to want to say "JESUS K RICED you just heard that which could be more of a warning sign if it's title was "THIS GUY IS FUCKED UP STAY AWAY FROM HIM" and you are aggresively wanting to hook up? What the hell?"
Any insights?
>(Sean, is it?)
It is.
>I wish more guys had your fortitude.
Well there certainly wouldnt be 6 billion of us if there was.
<3 revscrj
>So much for REVSCRJ being a form of birth control.
I dont know... the metaphor of being turned on but having to hold a book between the knees kind of describes a big part of sexuality for me... odd though that thats the part I like
<3
REVSCRJ
Thanks Rev.
It's so damn confusing. Sometimes I just want to throw my cell phone out the window and never look back. See, when a guy doesn't call back it makes us feel less important. Sometimes it triggers the worst thoughts; like, he doesn't want to talk to me anymore or he's given up on us. In your opinion, does it bother you when a girl calls you just to say hi or see how your doing? I simply like to hear from the person I care about. I guess it's a women thing. Anyhow, who ever said that women are the confusing species should turn their eye balls to some of these posts.
I dont speak for all guys, just to reiterate.
9 times out of 10 when the phone rings my mouth uncontrolably goes "Fuck." before I pick up the receiver. It doesn't matter who it is because unless they had freakishly good timing and caught me after I had ended some task and had not yet begun another, they are interrupting something I was doing and so they had better have something to say. When a GF call to "just say hi- let you know I was thinking about you" I think inside "Thanks, with that sentance it is achieved... so we are done here right?"...but we aren't (usually for another 20 minutes, during which I am looking at the accoutroments of whatever it was that I was doing just sitting there idle while it appears that I am involved in a conversation that completed its objective a long time ago. This may come off as curt or dismissive inflections in my voice.
They are unintentional but entirely appropriate.
<3
REVSCRJ
REVSCRJ:
It's just nice to know of a man who isn’t SO maladjusted and isn't afraid to tell the truth. Even in all its degradation you have to see how that can be a turn on. Even though I am a woman I can relate to some of the things you wrote, because I have behaved that way myself on one or more occasions. (I think we all have? We're human, some of us.) It’s rare that we have a chance to reflect on ourselves in that way. You have a knack for that – it’s awesome. I mean look how long that original article has been around, with new people coming forth everyday with the same issues. If I could read what you wrote out loud to the "problem people" in my life, that would be some trip. In a perverse yet comedic sort of way. I don’t need to, though. Having read it myself is quite enough to get me off my high horse. I needed that! :o) S
>...nice to know of a man who...isn't afraid to tell the truth. >
We exist, but most of us keep it to themselves for fear of being pummeled or never getting laid again.
>Even though I am a woman I can relate to some of the things you wrote,>
As sentient creeatures we all have basic commonalities at the core. The only differences between the sexes are cultural conditionings and frequency/amplitude of hormonal mood alteration (men have hormonal cycles as well, yes- though this is another thing most do not know or would care to admit even if they did).
>It’s rare that we have a chance to reflect on ourselves
-despite having the option every waking moment of one's existance.
>If I could read what you wrote out loud to the "problem people" in my life, that would be some trip.>
-thus the aforementioned fear of being pummeled :)
>I needed that! :o) S
Anytime you discover yourself on one just ask I'll be more than happy to try and knock you off it :)
<3
REVSCRJ
It's all good :) You're Awesome.
Just as an aside- a friend of mine just split up w/ someone catalyzed by a "not-calling" occurance over the Valentines Horrorday period and she has informed me that she is going to leave a copy of this article for him when she goes to pick up her stuff from his place.
Birth controler and impliment of spite- damn, I'm batting a 1000 this month. :D
<3
REVSCRJ
I love it!
Your fame will be legendary, REVSCRJ. See? That's just what I said earlier--I want to give it to guys too. It's great to see women taking back the phone! Beautiful! Long gone is the mystery and hiding behind non-phone calls. The time has come to be held accountable. Incidentally, your hard, truthful, writing helped me a lot more than that. Now I just couldn’t care less if you guys call or not. Truth hurts but it feels great, too, because I have been liberated anger and hurt. For the first time in years I have nothing negative to say about guys not calling.
>Now I just couldn’t care less if you guys call or not. Truth hurts but it feels great, too, because I have been liberated anger and hurt. For the first time in years I have nothing negative to say about guys not calling.>
There is a bitter little tinge to that which makes my heart warm and all the years of being jaw-dropped at the slack jawed slope browed or cow 'tao'wed become worth it.
In all seriousness: it is alchemy. The act of taking one's pains, anger, or disgust and transforming them into something that becomes a vehicle for strength and growth... well if that isnt turning lead into gold, I surely dont know what is.
<3
Rev "Aside from actually being able to buy stuff with it" Scrj
Let's hope it lasts! Let's hope it lasts.
:o)
Sean,
Missing from your list of reasons why men don't call:
After deciding that she could really be "the one" you decide to introduce her to your inner possie at the next party. She shows up looking fab, says all the right things, and makes you look like the luckiest stud in the world to your buds. Then she commits the unfortunate act of passing on the joint of top notch Jamaican going 'round the table and announces confidently that she never touches the stuff. A telepathic message is instantly circulated between you and your buds, and of course, you will never call her again (after having sex with her just one last time after the party, to prevent being truly cruel.)
Good work on the rest of the reasons, though. Endearingly open and caring for you to share such macquivelent (sp?) male qualities with us simple women folk.
Lady Across the Pond
>After deciding that she could really be "the one"
Right there is the 1st sign of the relationship apocalypse. Deciding that "she could be the one" opens up every can of commitment worms that might be present in a particular guy.
>you decide to introduce her to your inner possie>
Sign #2: if you arent introduced to the close friends pretty quickly in to the dating then expect doom- chances are that you havent been introduced for a reason. That reason is most likely either you wont like them or they wont like you is assumed by the beaux. READ: THE PEOPLE I LIKE ARENT LIKE YOU. Need it be stated any clearer than that?
>Then she commits the unfortunate act
Was this not clear beforehand? I mean had the issue of "I smoke and you don't" not come up? If it hadnt: you are better off, if the guy values guiltless dope smoking over you... well, thats pretty clear.
If it had: apparently his friends approval of you weighs heavier than you do. You are better off.
>(after having sex with her just one last time after the party, to prevent being truly cruel.)>
I hope that is sarcasm because the "one last time" has nothing to do with kindness or consideration, it is in fact more a "well might as well get a little bit more before I write off this piece of ass"
>with us simple women folk.
HA! Dont play coy- women are just as convoluted and psychotic in their rationales and reasonings. Aside from that: thank you, my pleasure.
<3
REVSCRJ
of passing on the joint of top notch Jamaican going 'round the table and announces confidently that she never touches the stuff. A telepathic message is instantly circulated between you and your buds, and of course, you will never call her again (after having sex with her just one last time after the party, to prevent being truly cruel.)
Good work on the rest of the reasons, though. Endearingly open and caring for you to share such macquivelent (sp?) male qualities with us simple women folk.
Lady Across the Pond