Looking back on Jason Maclsaac's "Hey Kids! Smoking is Good For You!", I see the ignorant, the arrogant, the stupid, and then people like me posting comments. I also see diehard anti-smokers who seem more and more like nazis everyday.
One of them in particular, affectionately referring to himself as "die smoke!" conjured all his mental strength for one great idea to rid the world of smoking; burn all the cigarettes.
Thankfully he was of the stupid, and fortunately has no power over the world. You see folks, he's just not the genius and ecologically minded fellow I am.
Now, you all should know what happens when you light up a cigarette; smoke. A relatively small amount of smoke, but smoke nonetheless. This smoke goes to your lungs, heart, and other parts of the anatomy. Then you get cancer. Then you die. That's not to say you wouldn't die if you never smoked, you just died of cancer so it was a few years before nature or an angry bus driver intended.
However, people often neglect the effects smoke has on other people. Second hand smoke is just as bad and according to some it's worse. It affects our sons, daughters, friends, grandparents and our dear mothers. Another thing people forget about is how it affects out other mother;
All of that smoke has to go somewhere, and its up to the plants to clean up the mess we humans are making. Things seem to be in a balance right now. Sure it's a shaky one, but all is well. We're producing just enough smoke so that the plants can keep up and pump out that O2 people are raving about these days.
Now, what do you think would happen to that fragile balance if "die smoke!" had his way? It would, in effect, kill every human, plant, animal, and the Earth itself.
The tobacco industry produces an astounding amount of tobacco. Between the plants still growing, the plants harvested, and the former plants that are now cigarettes, there would be quite a large pile of things for the burning.
Before I get to that though, don't forget about the buildings the cigarettes are made in, the packaging they come in, stickers, posters, banners and every other thing that has some connection to the tobacco industry. Add those to the pile. Now you have an even bigger pile for the burning.
Now, let it be torched. This is where "die smoke!" made his miscalculation; the smoke. In a rather large puff, one that I assume would last for hours or even days, smoke would pour out into the atmosphere. At first it would cover a small area. It would cover the sky and black out the area. Without any sun the plants cannot process the smoke fast enough. They would become overloaded, shrivel, and die. With nothing left the process it, the smoke would spread, having the same effect on the plants as it goes along. Eventually there would be no plants left.
Humans could manage the smoke for a while. Some would die of chocking. Seasoned smokers would be able to tolerate the smoke for some time, but with no more O2 being produced, they too would soon give way and depart worlds.
The cigarette fire is still burning, with smoke pouring out into the world. Plants, animals and humans alike have all died. The Earth is now nothing more than a lifeless ball of smoke. As time passes the ozone is being eaten away at and now that too has conceded to the smoke and it dissolves out into space. When it has cleared there is nothing left of the Earth but a rotten, discolored rock orbiting the sun.
So you see kids, the moral of the story is to smoke them one at a time. Enjoy them... for Earth's sake.
"A pack a day makes things OK" - John Fenderson
"Smoke up and save the world!", and, "Light one up for the trees!" - Rolo
Questions, comments, concerns and credit card numbers can be sent to Smitty-boy at email@example.com ... and no that's not a fake e-mail.