Death To Irony
Capital of Nasty, an Electronic Magazine - ISSN 1482-0471
Tuesday, June 24, 2003 at 03:00 (619/84)
Categories:
Rants
Alanis Morassette wrote a song in ‘95 that was, in my and most other’s opinion, stupid. The song is entitled Ironic. I had forgotten, or repressed, this song until recently. I unfortunately heard it on the radio, but I forgot what station it was so I now risk hearing it again. But, as I listened, I realized how badly she needed a dictionary.
Irony is defined as a literary device for conveying meaning by saying the direct opposite of what is really meant. It is also something that happens which is the opposite of what you would expect to happen.
Now I’m going to have to go through every line and thoroughly explain how nothing in this song is ironic...
"An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day"
I’m sure the family will put "It’s ironic alright" on his tombstone. Irony would have been him winning the lottery and not quitting his Wal-Mart greeter job.
"It's a black fly in your Chardonnay"
No, that’s a stupid black fly for flying into the Chardonnay. I hope at least one of you drowns.
"It's a death row pardon two minutes too late"
That’s just bad luck. The fact that an idiot is elected as governor and can’t dial a phone is ... wait... that politics... never mind.
"Isn't it ironic... don't you think?"
Well somebody sure isn’t thinking.
"It's like rain on your wedding day"
That’s why we have weddings indoors. That’s also why we have the weather channel.
"It's a free ride when you've already paid"
It’s a refund you stupid bitch!
"It's the good advice that you just didn't take"
That’s ignorance. It starts with an "I" so you came close.
"Who would've thought... it figures"
I forget if she’s blonde. It would explain a whole lot of this.
"Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
'Well isn't this nice...'"
I’m sure that was his last thought.
You know, this song is so damn cheery. So far three people have died, a glass of wine and a wedding were ruined, and the dumb blond refuses to take advice. But it’s sung to a happy tune ::perky smile::
"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you"
Life has a funny way of not giving dictionaries to people who need them.
"When you think everything's okay and everything's going right"
...So you write a song about unfortunate things you consider ironic.
"And life has a funny way of helping you out when"
..you need a few billion dollars and you don’t deserve anything but get it anyways. Hey! That IS ironic.
"You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face"
If only her face would have blown up...
"A traffic jam when you're already late"
So blame to gods of irony!
"A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break"
I guess it’s not really a smoking break if you can’t smoke. It’s just violating company policy. I hope you get fired.
"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife"
That’s what you get for writing a song about unfortunate things. Once again, real irony.
"It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife"
‘Sucks to be you’ as one of my friends would say.
"And isn't it ironic... don't you think?
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think..."
Let me get this straight, you (Alanis) actually put thought into this song? You didn’t think once to look up the word ironic when you base the whole song on the word!? You stupid mother *expletive deleted* bitch. What the *expletive deleted* is wrong with you? I hope you *expletive deleted* burn in *expletive deleted* hell.
"Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out"
... by giving you a billion dollars
by giving you a billion dollars
by giving you a billion dollars...
Nothing in this song is ironic(except maybe the fact that nothing is ironic), but rather unfortunate. Death isn’t ironic, it’s unfortunate. A ruined wedding is not ironic, it is unfortunate. Fly’s aren’t ironic, they’re an annoyance. Not taking advice isn’t ironic, its stupidity.
Alanis, now that you have your billion dollars, buy a dictionary. And never write any more songs... ever.
Smitty-boy is not a big fan of Alanis Morassette. Smitty-boy also hopes that by reading this, your IQ hasn’t dropped 10 points and holds firm the belief that some people should just be shot.
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http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=4g5hm5%24aul%40nnrp1.news.primenet.com&oe=utf-8&output=gplain
A few years back, I was thinking about this topic, and it occurred to me: what are the odds that out of sheer ignorance, she didn't accidentally name a single ironic thing? It seems likely she'd get one or two by accident.
Then I thought -- isn't that ironic, a song about irony that studiously avoids irony?
Perhaps _that_ was the point of the song.
WOW! I knew the new issue was out but I didn't realize until... oh 5 minutes ago that I was in it. Maybe I should pay more attention, or certain people should tell me if my article is being used.
Anyways...
>Parodied much better here...
http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=4g5hm5%24aul%40nnrp1.news.primenet.com&oe=utf-8&output=gplain
God, it's never a simple "hey, great article." Not even a polite, "this is also good ::insert site here::" Worst of all, you put down my article. If you wrote something about something I wouldn't go around saying stuff like "don't read this, go here instead ::insert site here::" You know what? Write something about something so I CAN do that. Then, to spite you, I won't do that and be the bigger person. So I won't do it but just know I could...
Ahem, sorry 'bout that.
>and it occurred to me: what are the odds that out of sheer ignorance, she didn't accidentally name a single ironic thing?
Well I'd say he odds are pretty good.
>It seems likely she'd get one or two by accident.
Oh grasshopper, you have so much to learn...
>Then I thought -- isn't that ironic, a song about irony that studiously avoids irony?
'Tis ironic indeed.
>Perhaps _that_ was the point of the song.
I don't think she has the depth (that sounds right) for _that_.
O yes, I went to that site and I still think mine is better. But I might be saying that because I wrote this one.
If anyone wants to get on the soapbox, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this.
Vote Smitty-boy and get a dollar :)
I vote for Smitty-boy! It's a funny article.
As far as Morissette's depth goes -- I wouldn't know about that, since I've never met her. I was just idly speculating.
Thank you John, your check is in the mail.
1. I'm damn sure that's spelled wrong.
2. >As far as Morissette's depth goes -- I wouldn't know about that
I don't think she'd know about it either.
>since I've never met her
So nobody knows if she's a blonde then eh?
> I was just idly speculating.
Hm... can't really say anything about that. Oh well.
3. Have you gotten your check yet?
I'm pretty sure that she's a brunette... would that be irony? That everyone thinks that she's dumb because she's a blonde, but she turns out to be a brunette, that everyone thinks is smart? Anyways, I'm not that sure that hair colour has anything to do with smarts. If you're going to tout yourself as a word usage expert or a walking, talking, typing lexicon, than at least stay away from petty prejudices while you're at it.
>I'm pretty sure that she's a brunette... would that be irony?
It all depends on who's definition of "irony" you're using.
>Anyways, I'm not that sure that hair colour has anything to do with smarts.
Speakin’ good english, eh? Anyways, recent scientific studies done by the Mayo clinic have proven that blondes are inherently stupid. there are certain gene strands, however, that counter-act the inherent stupidity and produce intelligent blondes... unfortunately these genes are somewhat rare.
>If you're going to tout yourself as a word usage expert or a walking, talking, typing lexicon, than at least stay away from petty prejudices while you're at it.
Yay! A feminist! May I compliment you on that lovely flannel ensemble you’re touting this evening and tell you to go learn the definition of the word sarcasm. I was hoping that by now nobody would take me seriously, but perhaps I still have work to do.
That is all for now, thank you for coming out tonight, and God bless.
Smitty-boy
I thought yours was great.
Thanks, and best of luck with all your future endevours.
Smitty-boy
Yup. Smitty Boy rocks.
The future of CoN... When leo finishes his uber cocoon and fully developes his super mutant powers to fly to the ether, he will pass on the mantle to Smitty and his loyal followers to aid them in their fight against the evil Machines.
>he will pass on the mantle to Smitty
Well, I wanted my first e-zine to be a good one, but I 'spose I can settle for this.
>and his loyal followers
Yes, all 0 of them.
:)
Smitty-boy