How to Write Like a Fucking Idiot
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Tuesday, December 31, 2003 (578/506)
ISSN 1482-0471
I'm often asked how I manage to write like a fucking idiot, and moreover, why I should want to write like a fucking idiot in the first place.
Let me deal with the latter question first. If you be one for whom a split infinitive conjures up great fear (notwithstanding the many great writers who loved to gleefully insert adverbs into their infinitive), you will already know all too well the pain of writing like an elitist pompous arrogant pretentious anachronistic bastard. And, in the modern workplace, colleagues are most incommodious to say the least when you start to use words such as "incommodious" and "augment" whilst the boss isn't present—though "augment" itself is perhaps acceptable in its nominal guise, preceded by the word "breast". Anyway, my point is that writing like a fucking idiot is an essential skill that can get you down the social ladder pretty sharpish when you're tired of that taste of shit on your tongue.
Still with me? Good. That means that you're not afraid of vulgarity, and that makes my job much easier, for the first important rule in the art of writing like a fucking idiot -— before we go on to the physical techniques -— is to abandon all forms of logic and common sense. In lieu of these, you shall employ The Three "V"s, namely: Violence, Vulgarity, and Vapidity. Remember that it is a sign of intelligence to act with compassion, retain shocking ideas for special occasions, and make sense. You have to learn to let go, pigfucker.
You may now learn, use, and master the Five Highly Simplistic & Effective Rules; to wit:-
- Spel and grammar bad, but sparingly. Example: always confuse "your" with "you're", "it's" with "its", and so on; its one of the simplest tactics, but master it and your well on you're way. If u want 2 appear like one of those idiot txtrs (though have you noticed that when stenographers abbreviate, they're being clever?), then ur best bet is to use "u", "ur", and "1" everywhere. But beware: mixing styles can appear feigned.
- UPPERCASE WRITING IS GOOD, BUT YOU'RE CHOICE OF CASE SHOULD BE EITHER CONSISTENTLY UPPERCASE OR CONSISTENTLY LOWERCASE. UPPERCASE IS BETTAR. if u choose lowercase, don't even think about slipping out of it for proper nouns, or the beginnings of sentences.
- the only exception to the rule above is with the insane ad hominem rant, which is always typified by lots of acronyms, and abbrevs. So FUCK YOU. LOL. J/K, AHAHAHAHA.
- punctuate purversely .let you're periods go astray leave out commers where there should be commers and always throw in a few extra exclaimation points !!! this works best in TEH INSANE RANT !! AHAHAHAHA ROFFLE ?!!!
- make less sense. if when u write then u go on and what is my washing mashine? eminem what said r teh best anime O NOE but what AOL teh money????? u r kidding me arent you? AHAHAHAHA
- like totally valspeak, dude, k??? its so totally the bitching way to incoheant, and like you know isnt it??? totally
Six rules! There are Six Highly Simplistic & Effective Rules...
As you can see, with just these few simple rules, you can make an absolute mess out of your writing. But the best advice that I can give you is to simply study the words of the stupid, and mimic their devices. Stupid writing is everywhere, but if you fail to find any, try misspelling words in Google searches, and incorporate your own bits of vocabulary from your favourite idiotic subculture.
Or, in fucking-idiotese (admittedly extreme, as demonstration):-
my simple rules are teh best !!! tehy are the fuckers
and will make peeps TREEMBAL before u AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA> @ boan up on
tehm and they're sillines and then u can totally copy them and like steel
all their L33T powers !!! O NOE TEH BAD WRITING IS EVRYWHERE
IS COMNIG TO GET ME ?! IT IS IN GOOGAL SEARCHIS
WHEN YOU SPEEL BADLY?!? !?! LOL
Remember always, however, that you cannot judge a writer by their words. Hey, that person that you thought was a dipshit might just be blending their own excellent parody, perhaps now even using instructions from this very manual. But it could be worse: they might be using a non-native language, have received poor education, or be disabled beyond your reckoning. Anyway, just try to keep in mind that not everybody who writes like an idiot is one, and that writing like an idiot doesn't mean that you have to become one.
And, finally, if draughts of intelligence are still discernible in your diction, don't worry about it: the trick is normally to fool other idiots into thinking that you're an idiot too. If the intelligent can see through your act, save face and just take it as a compliment.
Either way, you can only win.
Sean B. Palmer notes that this article is not for individual resale, is still nowhere near to the level of euphonic equilibrium sought, and has had its "z"s lipogrammated out; being thus, measure for measure, less zeddy than tweek. He also didn't want to write another one of these pissy fucking signature things in the third person, but oh well; he supposes that it's more alluring like this, anyway.
Comments
12 comments found
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if you misspelll then someone searches for that misspellling, you will be all on the page at Google of those who spell like you. this, methinks, is a good thing :) you then create a whole new chance to fuck the language ... yet still cumunicate ... so go do ... and happy misspellling
As a student of the free-thought of objective (not SUBjective) linguistics, I feel I need only to add this:
Let the idiots fux0r the language. I mean think of of a proper gentleman (or indeed, gentleperson) of 2 or 3 centuries ago would consider our own English, or whatever we call it. Probably some bastardized version of his (or indeed, its) language. My point is that languages change, and we should celebrate this. I've heard it said before and it still stands - any language that doesn't evolve over the ages is basically dead.
And don't think I haven't considered that establishing a standard for a language theoretically elilminates anarchy in written communication and brings understanding to what would otherwise be chaos...
...cUz i halve.
I hate to admit it (ok, I don't really), but the only way I've found to make myself feel better is to find something these retards consider valuable and make them feel useless at it.
My personal choice of (purely therapeutic) action is to get myself profficient at a popular first person shooter. Having done this I then go online, line up the script kiddies and their innane babble and shoot them in the head. You might find this easier than you think, they are as good at strategic thinking as they are at speaking.
It may be lame, but it's the only way I've found satisfaction in the wall of static that is a hundred million minds on the internet.
Before I leave work, to catch a bus on which many of the stupid will also ride, I must say that your article, although interesting, is flawed. I don't WANT to be like them, I want to retain that element of differentness, whatever it might possibly be, that separates me from the idiots. This doesn't mean that spelling a word wrong should equate to a crime or that using abbreviations is punishable by death, but you'd soon get pissed off if you were reading the newspaper and it read like graffiti. Well, just a moan before I go home, to be stupified by the cathode ray tube.
remember to verb your nouns...and this article, i swear to god, my english teacher taught his class by it, but his grading system is called "how to grade and correct like a fucking idiot"
I must say that your article, although interesting, is flawed. I don't WANT to be like them, I want to retain that element of differentness, whatever it might possibly be, that separates me from the idiots.
I assume that, even more than wanting to be different, you want people to read what you write. Otherwise, why write it? If, in your quest for "differentness", you churn out encrypted garbage that take effort to decipher, you won't be read or taken seriously. It's just that simple.
Language is about communication, and anything that interferes with that is probably not what you want.
The urge to be different is laudable, though. I would suggest that the way to differentiate yourself from the average idiot is to write intelligent, insightful things. Or to be funny. Or to be infuriating. Anything. But your edge should be in your concepts, not the encoding you put the words through.
You might be interested to see the Human To AOL Translator.
http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html
..oh...sorry...almost forgot...
LOL WTF BWAHAHAHAHA !!!!111!11!1!!
Don't forget there are many additional tenets to the law of writing like a fucking idiot.
Some of which I've thought include:
1) Laughably over-inflated sense of self worth.
2) Throw constant insults at the current scape-goat. 3) Completely dismiss the humanity of the opposite sex. 4) Make sure your comments on human suffering are coarse and disgusting.
I'm sure you can think up some more.
Personally I like to collect new tips by watching Fox News.
Thanks,
Jazbo.
(real name witheld for no apparent reason)
PIRSONALEE, EYE LIKE THE WEIGH JUAN CAN MAIKE THEMSELFS SEEEEM 2 B SEW PHUCKING DUM BYE RITING WERDS LIKE THES. WEN A REEDIR HALVES 2 TAIKE THEYRE THYME REEDING SUMTHING JUAN PHUCKED UP SEW BAD, JUAN PHEELS BEDDER ABOOT THIMSELFS. EYE LIKE 2 PHUCK IT SEW BADD THET A REEDIR MOST SPIND LAWNGER REEDING IT ALLTHOW IT MAIKS CENTS WEN YEW THINK ABOOT IT. IF EYE HAVE A DOLIR 4 EVRY THYME I DID, YEW WOOD BEE NOT SO MUTCH. BUT, LIKE YEW SED, FUN IZ INN THE I OPH THE BEHOLDR. HEV YEW NOTISED THET 'GHOTI' SPELS PHISH? EYE NEVER THOT OPH IT LIKE THET.
An astute way of driving co-workers insane is to constantly spell and pronounce their name(s) wrong.
gregharry@hotmail.com
wow, I bet you have much shpuken you naughty man you. Mmmmwah.
I suppose you think you are a fucking genios with your bullshit i bet you were bullied at school and your uncle would fuck you up the ass so you have to compensate for all that shit by trying to sound clever with your fag words...you probably have a small cock too whiney fag
Peter missed getting an A+ on this assignment by one capitalized acronym.
So close.