My current status as a Meatan, one who eats only meat, dairy and "field killed" grain products, is largely due to the attitude of a former co-worker. (More about what we Meatan's can and cannot ingest later.) We hired Her, not her real name, as a temp for a short term project in our office a year and a half ago.
She was an aggressive Vegan and by that I mean she was really in your face with her vegetarian agenda. Personally I don't really care what people prefer to eat or, for that matter, what sexual practices they engage in. I just don't want to hear about it, especially not in the work place and I really don't like to have such things jammed down my throat. One good thing about Her being in my face with the Vegan thing is that it forced me to think about my own food preferences. She helped me realize that I had to do something to combat the ongoing, constant slaughter of living things done in order to feed people every day in this country and around the world.
Here's how things happened. We were eating our respective lunches in my office. Mine was a wonderful piece of grilled chicken cooked by a gentleman who set up his barbeque barrel in the parking lot of his restaurant, located just upwind of my office. "Mmmm-mmm, good", I was thinking to myself as I looked up at Her. She had a scowl on her face as she condescendingly watched down her nose as I went about consuming the remains of a former chicken. She gave me a short speech about how she "used to eat meat", but now that she was in a more enlightened state, she only ate fruits and vegetables.
Like a flash the clarity of the cruel slaughter of the vegetarian lifestyle and the true glory of the Meatan way of life was revealed to me. I cannot claim an angelic visitation or the aid of Joseph Smithian magic spectacles, but the reality of who is really being cruel was delivered like a lightening bolt to the little table in my office.
Let me digress and bring up two pieces of information, which together form the foundation of the Meatan philosophy. Does anyone else remember reading about studies done in the 70s regarding biofeedback from plants? Some biologist hooked up EKG type monitors to various types of plants. His work demonstrated that the plants were alive with electricity much the way we are. The feedback from the plants differed with soothing music and rock-n-roll, (probably why my mother gave me the article in the first place.) The plants registered "pain" when flowers and fruit were plucked off them. Foundation A: Plants are living, sentient beings.
Foundation #2 is based on the realization that many, if not most, fruits and vegetables are picked "green" and then ripen during the subsequent shipment, storage and display time at your favorite food store. Think of bananas and those lovely tomatoes that are still "on the vine" ripening in the store. Also, bear in mind the money grocery stores have spent on automatic watering systems for lots of the fruits and veggies they stock. Does one water dead plants? (Ever see them feeding the meat selections at your local store?) It only stands to reason that fruits and vegetables are still in the process of growing and developing when we purchase and consume them.
Getting the picture?
On the other hand the meat we Meatans consume is quite dead when we buy it. In my many years of meat consumption, I have never, ever purchased orange roughy or a steak that was capable of registering pain when I put it on the grill or in the oven. (A well mannered Meatan will only buy frozen lobsters, not those poor tortured beasties who are dropped alive into boiling water.) The bovine source of the steak is treated to a speedy death. Likewise the pigs, chickens, sheep, goats, etc. that we Meatans enjoy are dispatched to the Great Beyond in an instant.
Conversely, when those of the vegetarian persuasion slice a still- ripening tomato to top off their salad they are brutally carving into a living, feeling thing. Consider how the protective coating of a banana is ripped off to reveal the still-growing-and-maturing soft inside which is bitten into hunks and masticated into a formless mass. Barbarism unbound. The clubbing of seals pales in comparison. It is with deep, rainbow-hued satisfaction that we Meatans chomp into our VERY DEAD Whopper, (ordered in true Meatan style with no living lettuce, twitching tomato or sentient onion aboard).
The doctrine of "field killing" allows Meatans to eat a non-meat bun on our burger. The wheat and other grains used in breads (and beer, amen) has been humanely killed in the field by those massive combine things. It is a quick, instant death - a death with dignity, if I may be so bold - that is handed out to them. Not to be compared with the brutal way in which the vegan takes an apple or an orange that was ripped from its life support system and yet continues to mature and develop until it is bitten or sliced into manageable pieces to be chewed and swallowed. Oh, the humanity!
Back to my conversation with Her. With the boundless enthusiasm of the recently converted, I explained the Meatan Way showing her the path of True Love Toward Living Things. I contrasted my loving and humane consumption of a very dead chicken with her unthinkable murder of the STILL LIVING lettuce, tomato and carrots contained in her salad. Speaking of unthinkable, have you seen the packages of Baby Carrots for sale? Something must be done. [Note: Just last week Meatans in Oregon chained themselves to the produce section in order to stop the senseless brutality brought upon BABY vegetables of all kinds.] I have no knowledge of the effect of my revelations upon Her. I do not know if she has shied away from her mean, vicious ways. It is my sincere wish that she will learn to recognize the humanity of only eating dead stuff. One can only hope the seeds that were planted that day will take hold and grow to fruition and not be brutally terminated like the ingredients of today's veggie special.
Meatans can eat all quick-killed products as well as products that have never been alive in the first place (you know, like Hot Tamales and Pork Rinds - foodstuff made from various forms of home insulating products mixed with sugar and/or salt.) Just like the Baptists and vegetarians, we have various factions in the ranks of Meatans. There are some doctrinal differences in our ranks when it comes to things like condiments - one side avoids any form of tomato, while the others rationalizes the consumption thereof by pointing out that the tomatoes turned into ketchup were humanely dispatched with a combination of high-speed rotating knives and chemical additives. Some will only drink boiled water and artificial beverages while others argue that "juiced" fruits and vegetables were converted from life to liquid in a quick, loving manner.
Our strength is in our diversity and we celebrate it - with meat.
Readers interested in exploring the wonders of Meatanhood are invited to contact the author at Cliffy777@attbi.com.
Permission to print this article was granted by the author, Cliff Yankovich.