Yeah, I've been there. And back. In time I'll probably, no, certainly, be back there. No matter what I do to try and thwart the future I'll be back there. That's the only thing that stops me from taking the easy way out - knowing what awaits. Nope, I plan on living a long, long life, but it's hard sometimes.most times. Seeing what I've seen and knowing what I now know, I can't help but feeling disdain towards the average person going about their mundane life - worrying about shopping or laundry.. Christ, if they've been where I've been they wouldn't be concerned with such little shit... Because it really doesn't matter, when you've been where I've been. But that disdain eventually subsides and I can continue on in a blind sort of non-tactile existence.
I have a movie like collection of scars of the sights I've seen seared into my brain that replays nightly when I lay down to sleep. The only way I can knock it back far enough to allow some rest is through the combined use of vodka and pills with codeine. You see, sleep is something that is non existent there. I never once saw anyone or thing sleeping there. I'll never forget how badly I wanted to sleep, if even for just five minutes, but I couldn't close my eyes, even if I wanted to because that's when the real horrors began. That's where they exist now. There is an unnatural fear of closing one's eyes amongst those who have been there.
It's understandable why the world's major religions use fear as a motivator - it works. It's amazing how long one can go without sleep when one is afraid of the sights that await. It's amazing how adaptable one can be just trying to stay alive. Take me for example, now that I've found my way back I plan on living, not a wild, every moment could be last type of lifestyle, but rather a quiet unassuming one that will, like I said earlier, allow me a long, long time here because more than life itself, I don't want to go back. But I know one day I will. It's that knowledge that will keep me alive though, keep me alive using fear as my motivator.
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