One Stalker's Film Festival Experience
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Monday, September 27, 1999 (181/111)
ISSN 1482-0471
Remember that girl who broke into Brad Pitt's house, wore his pyjamas and fell asleep in his bed? When you're a couple of bad breakups away from that, the Toronto Film Festival is a dangerous game.
I heard a couple of months beforehand that the Toronto Film Festival would feature the North American premier of Ride with the Devil, directed by Ang Lee and starring the actor who has been the subject of my every dream, erotic or otherwise, since Poison was big. Whenever I hear the name "Johnathan Rhys Meyers," I like to follow it up with "is God." The lips, the hair, the eyes, the cold and calculated smirk...oh, and his acting isn't bad, either. The thing about Jonathan Rhys Meyers is that he can date Toni Collette all he wants, but he and I both know it's just an act. He belongs with me. He just can't admit to dating a measely Canadian reporter three years his senior. It would upset his management.
I knew that Jonathan Rhys Meyers' new movie was playing at the festival, where celebrities often walk the red carpet to smile for the little people. A true stalker would have planned ahead. A true stalker would have gotten tickets before they sold out in the knowledge that there was at least a 50-50 chance that the object of her undying affection may show his face at Roy Thompson Hall. But adding to my failure complex, I'm not even a very good stalker. I waited until a week before, after pleading with my friend Debbie to make the two-hour venture to Toronto with me, and the tickets were sold out. Everyone was anticipating the arrival of that coffeehouse wench Jewel. "Show up early on Friday night," said the guy on the phone. "There may be cancellations. You could get rush tickets." Well, I didn't have much choice, did I? Jonathan was expecting me.
Now, when someone says "show up early," it doesn't usually mean three hours early. But we're talking about Jonathan Rhys Meyers here. A drive that usually takes an hour and a half turned into three with Friday afternoon traffic. The Gardiner Expressway, arguably one of the busiest highways in Toronto, was packed to the gills. Debbie clutched the map with white knuckles, suddenly shrieking "you want that lane!!!" when it happened to be on the opposite side of the highway. The only consolation was that I was a short time away from seeing the man of my dreams. He knew I was coming.
Once we made it into the city, there was a new dilemma. Where the fuck was Roy Thompson Hall? I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, thinking maybe Jonathan vibes would pull me there, but to no avail. We stopped and asked directions from a guy so drunk he could hardly stay on his bicycle. He wouldn't have been so nice to us if he'd known we were stalkers. We found the place with relative ease and still got there at 6 p.m. I couldn't help but swell with pride when I saw the weirdly- angled building shining in the sun. The scene of my crime. The movie started at 9:30. They were amazed by our gumption.
We stood there for an hour by ourselves, the only ones dumb enough to show up three hours early. We'd exhausted our paper-scissors-rock tournament by the time a little man approached us with tickets in his outstretched hand and saying four of about five English words in his English vocabulary. "My partner cannot come." I would have blown him for the tickets at that point. After we bought the tickets he opened his wallet and said "Want to go tomorrow too?" But who was I to be picky when I was there to devise a way to kidnap Jonathan Rhys Meyers and tie him to my bed, a.l.a. Misery?
We hurried in at 8:30, me snickering at the security guards and wondering what they would think if I was there to see a celebrity who had me so obsessed that I was ready to build an alter of candles and Velvet Goldmine movie boxes. But who cares? In just a short hour Jonathan Rhys Meyers would come waltzing down the red carpet, take me into his arms and moan "Thank God you made it!"
So the celebrities entered. People oggled. "She's so pretty," the girl next to me whimpered as Jewel slithered by, her breasts bulging out of her pale blue dress. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Then there was Tobey Maguire, stopping to sign the Vanity Fair cover of the autograph hound beside me. "Buddy," I thought as I surveyed the autograph hound, "you don't even know how to stalk properly."
Then there was Skeet Ulrich with his good ol' boy smile. Then Ang Lee. And...and...and no Jonathan. NO JONATHAN! How could my instincts be wrong? Did he not tell me he was coming the night before when I summoned his spirit with my ouija board? Did the man not know that I had dressed a Ken Doll as his Ride with the Devil character? How could he not show? Woe was me.
In true stalker style, I take it as a personal slight. But life will
go on, and so will I. My plane ticket is booked. I just know I'll love
the adorable way he says "Who are you and why are you in my house?"
Samantha Craggs is actually not a stalker, but she does like to write stuff. Visit the homepage at http://samantha.scriba.org
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Comments
11 comments found
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Oh, you are so right! Johnathan Rhys Meyers is beyond hot! He is the most gorgeous guy i've ever seen. I loved him in "Bend It Like Beckham."
Johnathan Rhys-Meyers is without a doubt what god was doing on the eighth day.
JRM you r da best u ave da nisest eyes i ave eva seen
Johnathan rhys meyers is da best lookin bloke in da WORLD!!!! he has gorgeous eyes and i LOVE his hair!!!
ribs own you and your mom. ninjas eating ribs owns even your grandma. get that shit right you square shaped bitches. what was this article about, i was busy being an asshole to pay attention. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA HHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHA HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *gasp for air* HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH CUNTBITCHESTITS! HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH *END SYSTEM LOG*
That is one of the funniest things I've read in my entire life if not the funniest thing. You are certainly gifted with words and half the time I was wondering how seriously you were writing this...Johnathan Rhys Meyers is a legend, But I'd have to say you come pretty close with this. Good job!
He is my dream man I loved him in bend it like bend it like Beckham i wish I got to play Jessminda.
He is the sexiest man alive. His eyes are gorgeous, his lips mmmmmmmm, he is perfect. I love him!
oh come now, at least get her name right... if you wanted to be her so badly you would have tried harder :P
Johnny is just simply the BEST!It was love for the first sight,and after I got closer to him...and he kissed me...OHHH,MY GOD...IT WAS JUST INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!I will love him 4ever!!!!!!!
Johnathan Rhys Meyers was at this pub in Dublin a few weeks ago and he is even more beautiful in person than ever to be in the cinemas!! HAhaha Beat that!
Johnathan is just da most gorgeous guy in da world
I thought he waz fab in Bend it like Beckham. He will live in my heart 4 eva. I shall never 4get how gorgeous he iz