Jobs come and go. By luck of the genetic draw I am a white, blonde, blue-eyed male who lives in America 2001 AD. I'm not proud that this puts me in a position of choice, but it does. When I need to quit a job on moral reasons, I have the ability to do so. Don't think I don't know how lucky I am for that.
Anyway, you don't care, you just want to be entertained, so here is a few commonalities I have found from my work experience before we get to the actual stories. I hope this helps you avoid some of the crap I have had to go through to learn it.
1) Employers ALWAYS forget that they need to work for their employees as much as their employees work for them.
2) Managers are truly Man Agers- their job is to make sure the life is sucked out of you.
3) The clientele is at least as stupid as your CEO
4) The more the job physically requires of you, the less it will pay...
5) If you can stomach kissing ass you will have a future there
6) Owners rarely understand the reality of work and therefore have an almost limitless potential for banal power tripping (it reassures them that they still serve a purpose)
7) The more capable you appear, the more you will be asked to do things without additional pay
8) If you act like a dumb-shit, they will treat you like an equal (*Church of the SubGenius)
9) If you get involved with "office politics" you will be entertained but ultimately fucked over
10) Employees and Employers are an entirely different species- NEVER FORGET THIS or you may end up in lower management (the cocoon state between the two species)
11) Trust your co-workers only as far as you can throw them, you never know who is bound for management and you will regret being open with them when they achieve it.
12) A "chummy" boss is a demon in disguise. Treat them as if you were Hitler's coffee boy: don't piss him off, make pleasant small talk, but don't let him know you are a Jew either because he WILL put a bullet in your skull for it..
13) When you take work home with you, you should immediately quit.
14) Your extra efforts are NEVER appreciated.
15) You will never care as much as the owner. Do not feel bad when you have to lie about this.
16) One really spectacular display of skill at the right time can allow you months of slacking time at a job.
17) Lie to your boss, it's for the best. Trust me: they don't want to know what you really think.
18) The only time one should EVER work late is for the opportunity to rob the place, all other instances are a waste of your terribly short life...
19) 1/3rd of your life is spent at work in a full time job. It is not worth spending that time miserable, as 1/3rd is spent asleep, leaving you with only 1/3rd actually appreciated and worth living (not counting to-and-from-work travel time, or work related stress that leaks into the "good 1/3rd"). QUIT ALL UNREMARKABLE OR MISERABLE JOBS IMMEDIATELY!
20) If you aren't afraid of becoming homeless there is no such thing as work stress.
I realize that by publishing these stories I become totally un- hireable. This is why you will know me as "REVSCRJ" and at most "Sean". Hell, I might work for you right now. I'm not stupid, despite the fact that all I really want out of a job is a reasonable and trustworthy staff, an understanding clientele, a product I can love, and intelligent owner it appears that this is a ridiculous set of parameters to ask for and thus I have left more jobs than girlfriends....
1. Worked in a Photo Place
2. Made bagel sandwiches
3. Worked in a state park cafeteria line
4. Processed fish in Alaska
5. Made coffee drinks in a poetry dive
6. Made coffee drinks in a performance dive
7. Made coffee drinks in a corporate dive
8. Made coffee drinks in a hippie dive
9. Made juice drinks for yuppies
10. Inserted Sunday newspapers
11. Was Art Director for a surf store chain
12. Wrote Greeting cards
13. Wrote the stock release memorandum for a greeting card house
14. Condensed years worth of receipts for an overpriced lodge
15. Canvassed door to door for OSPIRG
16. Took and developed "old time" sepia photos of tourists on Cannery Row
17. Waited tables in a deli/restaurant
18. Washed dishes in a bar/restaurant
19. Was a color copy specialist
20. Ran graveyard shift at a satellite relay radio station
21. Was a receiving clerk
22. Was a dispatcher for a lettuce cooler
23. Set up and ran lights for raves
24. Was a house-man for a bed an breakfast
25. Bussed tables for a chowder shop
26. Co-Ran an open mic
27. Bussed tabled in an Indian food restaurant
28. Ran a maid service
29. Roasted Coffee
30. Developed photos in a strip mall
31. Made sandwiches in a cafe/market
32. Was a video editor.
REVSCRJ is a writer/musician constantly on the verge of homelessness, he hopes that you enjoy his work or else his life has been in vain. Contact REVSCRJ at email@example.com to lodge complaints, notify of lawsuits, or receive spiritual advice.
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