Lyrics quoted: Fearless – VNV Nation
The view from their flat was great. The building itself the epitome of Sowjet-inspired ugliness, but as they had told each other; from the inside they wouldn't see that.
They were starting a new life together. She was happy. Wasn't she? This was everything she ever wanted. At least, it was now. It hadn't been hard leaving the city. She had graduated with honours. All that was left for her in the city was post-doc, or that extended master's program she had once worked so hard to get accepted to. It's not hard to give up dreams if new dreams come.
At least for a while.
Somewhere deep down inside a tiny voice asked her why she gave up all that intellect to work a middle-class job in a nowhere-town. But a bigger voice told her that she was happy.
Sometimes dreams have to go. New dreams come.
"so many little things followed me so many little things that bothered me but I found my answer"
The tiny voice nagged, sometimes. Was this her? Was she him? She was never really good at the distinction. But she was happy. Next would be kids. A better car. New friends. Safe, warm, unexciting.
No more daily struggle to be herself against the strength of those who would defend their life against her relentless need to please. No more struggle to be herself against the unending drive to be better. She had been her own worst enemy, but she had laid her enemies to rest.
"I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy these are the words I say to myself everyday"
For years she had tried to find the reason for her unrest. Everywhere there were obstacles, challenges, people who wanted different things out of life, from her. She could not please them all, hard as she tried, and it tore her apart. Softly, slowly, with a smile.
Because she could also not say no.
This was the answer. Get away from it all. He would shelter her. His character so well-hidden it was assumed non-existent by many. With him, she could please without effort.
She had always thought that what she needed was to be her own person. To stand on her own two feet and make her own way through life. To not be part of a unity. Because in unity she lost herself.
She thought, once, that she needed to live on her own. But when she tried there were all these people helping her. Room and board here, money from daddy there. Her escape smothered in kindness.
"I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy tell me what ritual I should have today but I'm not alone"
All that time, the one true escape was to find a prison that suited her. She wore it like a glove. And he followed, docile as a lamb. It was safe. It was easy.
Somewhere in the back of her mind the tiny voice was climbing the walls of the prison. All her friends hoped it would escape before she had traded all her options for her dream. Because sometimes dreams have to go. When new dreams come.
"I've resolved so many things and set myself free"
New dreams come. Some kill old dreams, smother them in their own blood as the knife cuts through flesh. Some usurp, pushing aside all thoughts that get in their way.
Some come, claim centre-stage and then leave when the audience starts to yawn, leaving the old dreams staring at the prompter while the spotlight turns back on them.
Some dreams don't die. They just hide.
She was hiding. Life was knocking on her freshly painted door. Paths not taken and opportunities fading in the distance called out to her.
The tiny voice pointed them all out.
The big voice screamed in rage to drown it out.
"I'm not, I'm not, I'm not unhappy"
She was not unhappy any more. She was not afraid any more.
She was happy.
If only she could figure out who she was so she could enjoy it.